No excuses

On a very important night.

On a night I needed my laptop more than most nights, I leave it at work.

I use it to write, edit, work and go through my memory cards.

Tomorrow I’m filming an afternoon wedding which I’m excited about. My first afternoon wedding that I even attend ever.

I forgot my laptop 💻 .

I could have said, the heck with writing too.

But luckily I have the office boy’s number and he’ll meet me tomorrow morning to open the place up for me.

And luckily I have a smartphone that’s pretty smart with typing. Which got me thinking, wow! I have solutions to almost everything, if I just applied it to everything.

Gotta use that amazing genius brain of mine to do these crazy problem solving no excuses exercises.

No excuse whatsoever.

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What does life become when you become?

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt is that life becomes what you act.

It becomes you.

Life can and does revolve around you. You just don’t see it.

It gives us all these opportunities, day in and day out.

We don’t necessarily see them, but they’re out there. You even know they are. You just don’t know how to get them.

It’s not that you don’t know but here’s what’s wrong.

You’re either too busy doing something unimportant that’s blocking your view from all these opportunities. Or you’re scared to even take a leap. Scared isn’t the word, coward is the one. Or you’re lazy and expect the world to give you a hand out which it won’t.

You have to get up, do your homework thoroughly, reach out, get beaten up. REPEAT.

It’s a hard and excruciating process.

You either man/woman up and do it. Or the world seizes to exist.

It’s just you, your sad emotions, and your self.

This was written for me.

Why do you do that?

I have nothing right now to give of value.

I can’t even comprehend why I’m up this late but I do. It’s complicated.

We do everything for a reason, even if you think you don’t.

It’s either a habit, impulse or a deeper meaning behind that. Try and find out why you do what you do. Like why are you on the phone right now? Why are you rarely happy? Why are you so upset at that person who cut you off in traffic today?

Why, why, Why, why, Why, why, Why, why, Why, why, Why, why.

 

Don’t go too deep though. You may end in the abyss and you will never get out, or have a hard time getting out. Go deep enough until you’re satisfied and move on to the next why until you just know enough to be self aware. Or at least semi self aware.

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This is never coming back

As I sit here typing this, so much is going through my head right now.

  1. I’m never gonna be as young as I was today
  2. I’m never gonna get this day back
  3. I’m never gonna be as fit as I am ( debatable )

I’m eventually going to be old, sick ( debatable ) and die.

What do I do?

There are two things that I think guarantee success. Speed and patience.

I have to ACT ACT ACT. I need to be doing things. Things that matter, things that I love, things that will leave a mark.

I’m patiently writing this right now knowing that I’ll eventually publish a book. Not sure what will it be about but until then I shall write like there’s a tomorrow and in that tomorrow I will wallow and die. So better make what I write count.

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My first memorable fight

Me and my brother fought a lot. We still do, but it was very physical back then and plus we watched a lot of movies so that helped us improvise.

Once I remember trying to do a Van dam kick on him, the one where you’re basically in the air. I always wanted to kick in the air like that in slow motion. I failed every time but at least attempted it like a fool. It was admirable.

Given my fighting experience with my dearest sibling, I never really fought outside of school, if anything I was a pretty peaceful kid outside of home and didn’t really have much trouble until the 6th grade. I’d never forget. His name was Sultan.

He was a year under me in school but a year older in reality. He’d failed one year. He was on my bus.

He’d always bully me. I was quiet. It’s hard to remember what he’d do to me exactly but all I remember was how it ended. At this point he’d been bullying me for a few months now on and off and I’ve had it but I was scared. Terrified. He was thinner but taller, annoying but handsomer, and he was oddly confident about himself.

Everyone around me by this time had told me to stand up for myself. You know how scary that is for an 11-12 year old who is seen as this weak link by majority on that bus and I’ll have to do it in front of all of them.

So here’s how it went down, I was seated ( it’s a first come, first serve basis ) and he came and asked me to move. Normally I would have gotten up in lightning speed but that day for some reason I stood my ground and said ” NO ” . Everyone else in the bus looked at me in shock and then at him and started laughing at him. It was hilarious ( the memory only of course, I was probably trembling ) and everyone told him I owned him and what a loser he is. His ego couldn’t take it and so he didn’t know what to do, he yelled ” Get up, get up or else” while everyone laughed and I just sat there ignoring him.

He then started punching my hands and legs to get up, I ignored as I looked out the window, he kept on going and going.

Suddenly, an internal and external power came over me. I got up, jumped him as I held him from his t-shirt and punched him all over the place. I couldn’t even see what I was doing. He was shocked. I was shocked. Everyone was shocked. I was now laying on top of him, punching away and all he could do was scratch because he felt trapped and wanted out. Others then had to remove me from on top of him. That was when, he said ” let’s take this outside ”

Everyone laughed and told him to take a seat or else I’d kick his ass. They saw a side of me they didn’t know. I saw a side of me I didn’t know. I kept my seat. It was a 40 minute ride home and I got off first. I felt good but scared of what would happen. Everyone else provoked him and congratulated me for a job well done. He was fuming and told me he’d show me what he’d do to me, later on. I was scared but ready. I saw what fear could eventually do. The combination of fear and hopelessness was a pretty awesome cocktail.

As my house approached, he had to get down first to make way for me. As I got out, he pushed me or something of the sort as he jumped into the bus and closed the door. I pretended to want to get after him but the bus just drove away.

That was probably one of the my happiest days of childhood. I spoke about it for years to come. He never bullied me again. A year or two later he invited me to his house to jam. He was probably hurt inside, but after seeing his house and life. I think he was just a privileged prick with not enough attention geared towards him.

I learnt to push through when fear took over. One of my first life lessons taught to me by life. In school but by life.

From a good place

It’s 5:50 am. I am writing this from a place of peace.

From a place of quietness, solitude and gratitude. As I embark on my only day off, I’m just talking the time to put affairs in order. To make the most out of my day, I do realise that time is of the essence and that we do not control any of it. That being said, I need to maximise and minimise a lot of things but most importantly eliminate that which does not serve.

I sometimes wish that my life were simpler and often times think the contrary. But for now I shall live in this moment of solace. Sip my green tea that’s been sitting for over 20 hours and marvel at the fact that it’s still warm since then.

To new beginnings, to evaluations, and to daily steps towards what’s real and what’s not.

Blessed Friday everyone.

What if it was all me?

I sat there and took it from all corners. I felt suffocated and slowly began to lose control.

I eventually lost.

It took me 2 whole days and more than 2 days worth of internal suicide. But then I thought what if ?

Of course the   ” then ”  part was after a shit storm of emotions, self loathing and a whole lot of stuff I don’t want to write. But then I thought what If I have took it all on me?

What if I was fully responsible? What if I didn’t give anyone else my emotions to toy with? What If I stopped expecting anything from people?
What If I didn’t need anyone to be good to me? It would be nice but what if?

Gee, I don’t know. I really don’t

What If I was completely responsible for my own feelings?
Does than even work, I like the thought of it.
I sure as hell want to give it a go too.

Who and what are you worth to yourself ?

I can’t believe that over a 100 people go through my content a day.  I know this number seems like very little in today’s social media numbers, but not to me. Not to me.

I always imagine a room of a 100 people and wow that’s a lot. The maximum number of students I teach are 12 at a time. That even feels clustered sometimes depending on the room size. Imagine a 100 people in a room. Watching, listening and engaging.

After sentences like these I’d like to continue saying something like I’d be happy if it even stayed this way but I’d be lying. Most people lie to show some kind of humbleness. But I don’t know, I mean it would be a lie. Most people lie to themselves. In both positives and negatives. Some lie about how good they are and some about how bad they are.

I know this one person who thinks he’s the greatest of all time. He might be, but not now. He’s homeless because of how much he’s lied to himself. I know this other person who is just a walking piece of talent but tells herself she isn’t. She’s just a normal person who really doesn’t have much to offer.

So much lies, so much illusion.

If we only took some time to measure, think logically and be self aware. To double down on what we are good at or work on what we need improvements on. But that’s hard work, God forbid we take some time to figure out that stuff.

رحم الله امرئ عرف قدر نفسه

The thought of taking a break

I thought about taking a break from writing. Just for one day.

I did take a day off a few days ago not because I wanted but I because I was exhausted and couldn’t even write anything. I truly don’t think that counts. If I had in me a few more ounces of energy I would have written, but I couldn’t,  so that’s not a break.

A break is when you decide to take off. When you CHOOSE it. When you say “hey, I don’t have it in me to write or I can’t think of anything so I won’t or or or … ”
You get the point.  This applies to anything that you have momentum with. I chose writing because it’s what I’m building a snow ball with. That, film making, photography and well being ( not fitness as much as well being for this particular time in my life )

Back to me thinking about taking a break. It felt good, really good. The mere idea of it made me feel free. But the idea of writing something and having those few words under my belt, made me feel even better. In today’s day and age, you really have to put in the work. We are over populated, over saturated and all us are in it for the prize.

Who wins?!

The ones who didn’t stop, the ones who were foolish enough to pursue something as empty as a college dorm fridge, the ones who put out shit work day in and day out and saw it slowly turn into urine and then into private parts and then into something of beauty. Those who looked around and saw inspiration and were not halted by jealousy, hatred, self doubt, criticism, unhopefulness ( if that’s even a word ) and ego.

Those are the ones who win.

Are you winning?
I’m trying. I am. It’s very tedious, hard but I’m just grateful that I made it into the game.

What we get when we surrender to problems

They took me off the one class I thought was going super well.

I really liked that class.

But someone’s took it. In the light of world problems, this isn’t even something I should be writing about but maybe I should. The number of people I know that stress over work bullshit is unbelievable. The stories are real, the stress is real and the stress continues and continues and continues.

I’m not going down that road. I’ve become quiet negligence over a lot of my problems and it feels amazing but doesn’t always work out in my best interest. I mean there are things that I have to get done

  • get my car fixed
  • Run important boring errands
  • Ask for a raise

I try not to sweat the stuff that happen at work. Do it for long enough and woooow
You just reach this level of awesomeness where you can actually leave work where you left it and talk about other stuff. Talk about life. Your interests and not what a shitty typical day you’ve had at the office.

Every once in a while shit does hit the fan. Deal with that one thing and move onto pursuing your life, unless work is your life then good on you.

You’re doing it right.