I am no angel but I speak like one.

She told me to stop talking because it would make her cry.

I quickly rectified the situation and told her that the whole point of this discussion was to comfort and not sadden. 

I have come across a lot of people who are holier than thou and they aren’t very likeable. I don’t think I’m holier than anything or anyone, I’m impure and I know it. But does that mean that I can’t tell other how shitty it is to be shitty. And how the opposite of that feels great and that I my self like it but I’m not necessarily always like that.

It isn’t hypocrisy, it’s humanity. It feels so good to be human. When a smoker strongly advices other not to smoke, that’s humanity. When a dishonest person preaches about how good it is to be honest, because it gets hard playing catch up, they knows it’s the better part of them  saying that. When a thief talks about an honest living, know that their money isn’t blessed and that its causing misery, hunger for more and chaos. When an addict talks about addiction and how to get out of it, they’re taking firstly to themselves. When an overweight person tells you to back off the fried food, it’s a reminder of whats feels right and how the human body is ideally meant to feel. 

Let’s not mistake humanity with hypocrisy, and I want people to be more human so that’s what I look for. 

Hi, I’m human. Nice to meet you and you are?

 

My DNA of not giving a s***

Everyday for the last few years I have practiced compassion. I’ve come to realize that it’s a muscle like any other.

I’m a little envious of people who are naturally compassionate. You see, I really don’t give a s***.

I don’t. And like many other things it isn’t in my control, it’s something I have to work really hard on. 

I was at the height of not giving a s*** in junior high and high school. I just didn’t care about anything or anyone. Didn’t really care what people thought of me, of how my family would react to my low grades, I just didn’t care about much. It felt carefree. 

Fast forward to 2017 all these quotes about not caring and bla bla is really something. I never understood how people had to try not to care. It comes naturally to me. I dont think I’m a bad person. The ones close to me would agree. I’m easy going, have an open mind and speak it too. 

I’m now in a good spot where compassion and not caring come together beautifully.

I simply care about what needs to be cared for and whatever bothers me or means nothing to me, I drop like a hot potato straight out of the oven. 

Why am I writing this?

Emotions need to be practiced that’s all. Caring, giving, unselfishness is all something that not all of us are born with. 

And not everyone is born with not giving a s***

A private chapter in my diary you may read

I want to write for those who struggle to write due to lack on inspiration. Those who struggle to train due to lack on inspiration. Those who don’t “do” due to lack of inspiration.

I am now sitting at an Italian restaurant about to order delicious food. I just need to write this for you. Ok, I am lying. I need this. It’s for me but you may be part of it.

Here’s to writes block, to laziness, to sadness and stress. But mainly to the unknown. We evolve through all of that and NEVER. I mean NEVER evolve through peace of mind, ease, and a stress free environment. I salut you all. Do what you can, but more importantly bleed. Bleed as much as possible. Cry for lost time, lock yourself up, yell in the bathroom and take a good hard look at yourself because every second counts.

Be as hard on yourself as you are easy. That’s the best way I can sum this post up.

This post is for me. Thank you for reading a very private chapter in my diary.

The funeral

A few days ago I attended a funeral. I assisted in burying a man.

I assisted in carrying but not in burying truth be told. As I saw people bury the body everything in my head was in slow motion. The dust, the wrapped body, the faces, some sad and some expressionless. For a split second I felt more alive than ever. I was standing above ground. Above the dirt. I had a shot. Just one more shot to redeem myself.

I more shot to smile, feel and do. My ideal funeral is one where I’m being buried and everyone is high fiving each other, laughing, smiling and talking about how great I made them feel and how fully I lived. Usually when people are like that the harder the cries. But I’d prefer smiles and laughs. Pretty silly.

I want to attend more funerals now. They are a great reminder of how short life can be.

 

Your thoughts are destroying you

I’m going to be unemployed soon. I’ll be buried in debt. My family will probably look down on me and I’ll have low self esteem because of that.

All this is running through my head as I write this from the comfort of my apartment, on my macbook pro, waiting for my kids to show up and hug me and I just got reviewed at work, getting the highest grade I’ve gotten yet. So you see?!

I know now for a fact that the whole ‘you are what you think’ is some pseudo-profound bullshit! 

It gets us all the time. It has taken me 27 years to realise that I’m not what I think. I know, I’m slow. But HEY!! At least I got there. Yes, thoughts play an incredible role in how we feel, act and portray the world. If you’re thinking sunshine and rainbows then you’re most probably going to be feeling better than some one thinking corruption, pollution and global warming. But. But, that doesn’t take away from the fact that life presents itself to us in a way and we have to be a little realistic if we want to roll with it and really be self aware.

My friend Ali thought he could enter his first ever Ironman 70.3 and finish in under 5 hours. I told him, “are you serious? “. He was convinced he could do it. Being the person I am, I didn’t want to crush that dream he had, so I’d let him do it and see what happened. Heck, I don’t even expect that much from myself. Anyways, he finished in 7:55.

I think dreaming big is beautiful, courageous and grand. But I’ve come to realise that my dreams are merely dreams unless I…Well, unless I do something. Anything.

One of my favourite quotes I’m going to steal right now from the awesome Ryan Holiday: ”  Be humble in your aspirations; Be gracious in your success; And be resilient in your failures.” 

I’m not one for quotes because as you know, we are currently living in the” quotes ” era. But man does that quote speak to me from miles and miles away. It slaps me right in the face and puts me in place. I want to be a successful filmmaker and writer. And maybe even athlete, I don’t know yet. I wanna wear many hats.

4 years I go I decided I’m going pro as a triathlete. I made up my mind and had already told my wife how. My wife not knowing jack about the sport encouraged me. Needless to say I not only failed but was humbled by the work I had to put in and the crazy base I needed to not only go pro but to win as a mere age grouper in this island where athletes are killing it day in and day out. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

After several larger than life dreams that I crushed I now know how to think better and  I think it’s good. I’m more self aware now. It’s not that I don’t dream big anymore it’s just that the whole idea of dreaming big is just bloated and apparently everyone is dreaming big somehow and not doing anything at all.

I feel like we have to admit it and realise that those who dream big and ACTUALLY make it are a handful. And we’re not all like each other. We’re not all Steve Jobs, Bill gates or Mohandas Gandhi. I actually read the Steve Jobs biography and all he wanted to do was sell enough computers. He was humble in his aspirations. Prince was a janitor and did all he could to record music with crappy equipment. Those are all the examples at the back of my head now but unless you’re already loaded or have a rich pappy/grand pappy. You’re just not going to make it BIG at once. I’m not too, don’t worry. I’m not what I think. If I think big, I’m surely not necessarily going to make it big and vice versa.

Travis Barker, the drummer of Blink-182 grew up in a lower middle class family. He could read musical notes at the age of 4 and became obsessed with drumming. He moved away from home to pursue his dreams of playing the drums. That’s how far his dream extended to, just playing the drums and nothing more. He worked as a garbage man and lived in an apartment with a bunch of friends. . He is now worth 45 millions dollars. Some websites even say 85 million dollars. Are those numbers making any sense to you?! A pure example of being humble in your aspirations. In his head all he was a good drummer. His head was wrong. His thoughts were wrong. He wasn’t his thoughts. He was so much more and at times so much less.

Big dreams are scary and definitely don’t motivate most of us to get out there and be the next Picasso, Einstein, Tom cruise, or Steve Jobs. I’m more interested in everyones failure now than anything else. I’ve become obsessed with FAILURE.

I now just want to make films, write posts, be fit enough to be adventurous and be a better me than I was yesterday. You know, humble. I’m trying to have my thoughts align with who I am as a person.

I really think this post would be perfect if it ended with the same quote.

Here goes:  Be humble in your aspirations; Be gracious in your success; And be resilient in your failures.

 

How to escape life?

“Put a gun to your head” 

But guns aren’t easy to find at this part of the world and for that I’m blessed. 

Serious talk now. I don’t have a perfect life. If I did, I’d be a character in a movie or book. So at times I want a gun in my hand. Not to shoot myself but to just experience firearms. Heck, I’d better move back to America 😉

So when no gun is handed to me I find other ways to escape the rat race. The first one I’m already doing it without you even realizing it suckers!!

  • Read the above paragraph and if you don’t figure it out then I’m truly sorry 
  • Lying down and stare at the ceiling while breathing heavily. That can either stress you out, give you a panic attack or calm you down like a dose of xanax. 
  • Close my eyes and realize there’s nothing there. Do it now. Close your eyes and block everything out. The bad part is opening them to know you never left. I’m just delaying my fate. 
  • Put on a helmet and get on my mountain bike. This is the best one for me, because not only do I escape but I come a better and clearer man.
  • Hug loved ones. These always make me feel warm inside for a limited time. It’s beautiful while it lasts. 
  • I have this one friend who really makes me laugh. Every time we hang I just don’t think about life at all. We just sit back and basically laugh at the lamest things. It’s phenomenal.

  • Go to a play ( I went to one today and I definitely escaped life, I also felt like a lot of the characters were escaping their own life because they were so immersed in their roles ) or watch a really good movie with characters that rock your world. Or read a whole book in one sitting. I did it once while traveling, it was a wonderful escape into a beautiful mind. Entering other people’s worlds are also an escape of it’s own. 

At the end of the day I’ve won the lottery on life. As sad as I am I know I can be, it’s really not justifiable, or is it? I don’t know. Do I have the right to want to escape? To learn how to use firearms? I don’t know. 

All I know is as I get older, things get a little more complicated and I get better at problem solving, it’s a never ending cycle. I just hope that the ratio eventually changes to my favor 

What I do when I turn insomniac

Insomniac was the name of my band in high school. Funny

I’ve become a little of an insomniac recently. I can’t point one finger at why exactly but I do know that it’s multiple factors and I’d be stupid to say I didn’t know why or how to help myself.

I truly believe that we all ( or most of us ) know how to solve our problems or at least know solutions and we all know our problems. You rarely really need a shrink to tell you what’s going on inside YOU. ” Rarely”   but some of us could do with the guidance.  I know I could.

The problem with guidance 

It’s very rare also that you have someone truly guide you. They either don’t know what they’re talking about or they don’t want you to succeed and in some cases they have their own agenda for you in their lives. For example if my wife tells me she wants to go to school or pursue a new passion. That’s not exactly good for me, is it? Enough of side tracking, this makes for another interesting post. 

So how do I feel good about being an insomniac?

Not so bad because  I do cool stuff! 

I read. Just research stuff that’s on my mind. The randomest stuff. Like when is Tom cruise making another Jerry maguire like movie? Or why are kids tiny? 

I learn. I learn about writing, making films, being a better human being etc. it’s really amazing that we now have a mini computer at our palms at all times! Amazing 

I don’t feel sorry for myself. Instead of kicking and screaming about why I can’t sleep, I take the opportunity to indulge in a little quite time which is rare for me. And it feels good. I take a moment to acknowledge the silence and darkness. 

I turn my phone to night shift mode

5 things that happened after I became a father

Camouflage 

I have become vey good at camouflaging. I sometimes purposely wear white to match the curtains in case I’m sneaking around the babies and they’re sleeping and they sense it and open an eye. I suddenly become the curtain. And they go back to slep thinking they saw dear daddy in their sleep..or dream. I also wear purple to become the carpet.

Noise blocking 

This technique I have come to master after being a father. I can now see the children cry and moan without hearing a thing, and this is most useful in the car. I now also use it in multiple occasions. I sometimes use it on my wife when she starts explaining why she needs to buy something.

Remembering my dreams

I usually forget my dreams as soon as I wake up or a little while later. But now when I wake up to the babies I make sure I keep it in my mind to start elaborating on it while I carry them and comfort them. As they’re screaming into my ears, all I’m thinking of are my dreams. My dreams have become so weird too. And. And. And I continue my dreams. That has never happened to me, but I get to put the baby( ies) back to sleep and continue where I left off. It’s like I almost have a hand in the dreams. Its magical.

Fecal matter doesn’t matter as much 

Fecal matter aka poop aka discharge aka dung aka manure aka crap aka stool aka SHIT doesn’t matter as much as it used to. It’s just fecal matter. You just have to discharge it or else your vocabulary widens and you start calling it shit. It starts with fecal matter and a smile. ” Fecal matter doesn’t matter =) ” but then as it sits and simmers it slowly transforms into a vocabulary war till it reaches SHIT.

The evolution of emotions 

They’re cute and that makes things easier but don’t for one minute think that you don’t imagine sucker punching them while they’re looking elsewhere. I love my kids to pieces but there are brief moments where time freezes and all I see is nuisance and I see my hand moving towards their face in slow motion but the reason its slowed down is because I’m a rational being and I do no fast forward. I love my kids. 🙂
And the fact that my feelings turn a little bitter but then gets restored shortly after is a good sign of love. Its healthy.

Why running is the worst possible sport for you.

We have all read the stories and seen the before and after picture of amazing weight loss transformation

Sure. It’s possible. But in the process you’ll probably get injured a dozen times before reaching your desired weight. You see, we have evolved. We are not designed to run anymore. We have taken our body, abused it by keeping it idle for years, sitting on desks for hours, driving cars, and sitting on our asses socialising at restaurants for leisure.

So now that we have grown out of the whole caveman physiology and moved into the businessman/woman physiology. Running is going to destroy you. Most people walk wrong let alone run. So when we’ve been sitting down for 20 years and then decide to up and start running, you’re in for a surprise my friend. The body we once thought would carry our sorry asses through a marathon ( or even a 5k ) has now been demolished and will hurt us in the process.

We hurt it first. We let it go. We neglected it. We injured its very purpose and now its payback time. You’re likely to get knee, back, neck and all sort of odd injuries you’ve never had before. And of course in our minds running is the culprit.

So now that we’ve gotten running out of the way. What can you do for weight loss or to start running again.

Walk. Get your body acquainted with moving again with using its feet for over 20 minutes. While you’re at it, stay aware of posture. Stop walking like you’ve got something stuck between your legs. Unless you have an injury here’s the ideal way to talk.

  • Toes pointing forward
  • Back straight.
  • Shoulders up ( Imagine stabilising a parrot on your shoulder while you’re walking. Do not drop Paulie)
  • Chest up
  • Back straight

Its going to hurt. I myself struggle to always walk right. I blame no one by myself. But I’m working towards to it and first thing that helps is self awareness. So before you start running, walk. Walk for at least 3 months, then when you’ve fixed your posture and positioning throw in a short jog. Walk jog walk . But the difference is that you’re doing it right and the chances of injury is now minimal. Time to get the body ready for what it was suppose to do.

I have written about running before and how we were designed to run. Key word being were. This post is about how we have amazingly evolved through that. Strength and body workout is also a great hep in strengthening the body before we decide to run as well.

I will be writing more on this topic, but for now this is it.

evo

The hardest thing I’m doing now

This is probably one of the hardest things I have to do. It’s probably even harder for you to read.

I have been away from the writing scene for a while now. Here’s the thing though, I write everyday. I take a lot of notes both mental and literal ones. I just haven’t had the heart to post. It’s like being away for so long and coming back to a home that’s now foreign.

Try living in the Philippines for a year and see how you feel when you come back home. You’ll be missing the s*** out of your telenovelas. But I’m back and as foreign as this may be, I just have to take the leap of faith and post again.

Every time I quit something I love for a bit, coming back to it is the hardest thing. But if I don’t come back, I’ll die. I’ll die with regret, sorrow and loss. The child inside me ( the innocent one ) tells me to ponder, smile and write more. The other children are all outside of me.

babies

So before I die of emptiness I’ll start writing again consistently, that way I can live and die happily.

To life and death.