when my house is on fire

I needed to write this but it was 17%. By the time the page opened its now 15%.

Help!

It’s my brain I’m talking too.
I have been at an all down in life many times and just recently  was at an all down. I needed to get back up but I had no idea how. I had no idea why I wasn’t getting up actually. It’s like watching your house burn while you just sit there and slowly take a bag to pack your bag and take unnecessary belongings. Not unimportant, just unnecessary.
That’s how it was for me. Picking up belongings while my own house was burning. I didn’t know I was so slow. I could see the house burn but couldn’t feel the burn. I was numb. But conscience. Was still moving but very very slow.

Nights got more comfortable and mornings were a dread. oh God it was horrible. Who was that person? What was happening. My brain was too slow to calculate or fathom anything at all. It all made no sense to me.

Here’s how I picked myself back up and almost left my belongings in the fire to just walk out. Almost.

  1. Sleep. Yes sleep through it. Most people who are depressed sleep a lot. Since my brain couldn’t function well I decided it needed more cells and the best way to repair that was sleep. I decided to sleep more and just dwell in ghost town.
  2. Exercise. Every morning I decided to run/ bike  or at least walk. It gets the body moving and the brain happy. Google how a runners brain looks like. There you go. I couldn’t afford going to gym anymore.
  3. Read. Read, read, read and read some more.
  4. Do one thing you’re good at and that makes you happy. I’m writing this. Don’t know if I’m any good at it but I like it and it makes me feel productive. Or I’ll try and make short films on my phone. The little things.
  5. Nutrition. To get out of my horrible state, I had to eat good nutritious food. The type that’ll make talk about it to other people. The type that’ll have me get up and feel good while everyone around me is in a food coma.
  6. Gratitude. Thank God and everyone around for everything you can think of. Pray harder, thank more. Smile. Cover that darkness with a smile so wide you get rid of that bag and just hit the door running for you life. Burns take a lot to recover from you know.

I’m on 9% now and I’ll have to read proof real quick and share it in as many places as I can. I wish I could go on but I need my sleep. Brain cells, remember? I’m still slower than usual.

I’m almost done packing up bag, haven’t let go of it just yet but I will if I continue doing these rituals.I have before.

I’m at 6% now.

 

Question part 3

We all thought that Haddaway solved the million dollar question. We were all shaking our heads to it after all.

What is love?
Baby don’t hurt me
Don’t hurt me
No more

But no.

He only said it how he saw it. But that song was very popular not only because we saw Will ferell shaking his head to it but because it was good music that was super relatable. Love is pain right?

I asked someone very dear to me, what is love? They said you are love. As flattering as the answer was, I don’t think I’m completely pain. So what am I then? Am I pain, pleasure and a little bit of awkwardness thrown in the middle?

Some say that Love is indescribable and there have been amazing love stories out there and songs. We all know John Lennon when it comes to love. Ah yes! All you need is love la la la la …All you need is love, love, love love is all you need. This is the same guy who beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day. There you go ladies and gentlemen John Lennon has defined love for us.

All you need is Love is just too easy because Love wont put food on the table, love won’t helps us stay committed. Saying all we need is love is pure lazy. I’m getting off topic here. We still don’t know what love is.

Is it Romeo and Juliet where if my wife happens to poison herself I follow. Or is it Gandi’s love for his country that made him starve himself till they all listened to him. Some even go as far to say that Love is a choice and we have a say in whether we fall in love or not. Contrary to popular belief where you don’t choose who you fall in love with.

So what the heck is going on here and who do we listen to? It all seems to extreme but our society idealizes love and the problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.

It’s a very very hard question where many great people have taken the liberty of answering this question where we all supposedly know what it is.

There is no one answer for what is Love. This question like my other questions here and here is very subjective. Love comes in all forms, shapes and sizes too. There’s that popular but shaped heart, and then theres the real heart that looks pretty messed up. It comes with pipes around it and stuff. Nasty stuff. But there’s a lot of love in there to give.

Love meaning care. Meaning understanding at the hardest of times. Meaning let downs and forgiving. Love is responsibility. Love can be blindsided by lust, fame, money and other interests that come in handy for each individual.

What is love to you ?

Question part 2

He asked me why? And I answered. But why? I just don’t get it.

Somethings we’re just not suppose to get it. We just do it I replied.

It got me thinking late about his questions. They were very good questions. Hard ones, the ones that leave you wondering about your whole purpose.  I wandered in the car that day thinking of nothing but the questions that were asked. But one question stood out. A very easy question that we all had a right to know, since we were all doing it.

What is the meaning of life? That was the question. Easy. Right?!

He was depressed and was looking for answers. He needed something to hold on to.  Life is….I paused. He looked at with teary puppy eyes. A lot of hope were in those eyes. How could I have not answered him.

Life means doing good. Life means purpose. Life means living for tomorrow. Life means surrounding yourself with so much good that you can’t be touched by much bad. Life means to enjoy every moment of every day and every good thing that you have in your life. Life is surrender. Like means worshipping.Life means battle. Life means survive for an even better life. Life is fighting for what’s right. Life is letting go of what doesn’t grow anymore. Life is fear and standing in the face of it. Life is pain. Life is adventure. Life is experience. Life is art and life is creation.

I just kept going and going, I was on a roll. I wanted to give him reason to believe that life is a lot more than what he’s going through. I didn’t want to sound over positively so I added in a little pain to let him know that pain is part of the process and that life is messy but it’s all about how we perceive it and that life comes in many forms. Love, pain, confusion etc.

When I look back at what I told him, I’m proud of how I phrased it all and I he made it out of the that depressed phase he was in. For a while at least.I hope someday when he is feeling down again and life took has become pain again, he can look back at this and realize that there’s so much more to life than pain and it’s all a part of the process.

At least that’s my understanding of life. There are tons of books out there with what life really means but I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve manifested.

To life *Raises half peeled banana*

How to think you are always a blessing

At some point of my life someone told me “You make me feel better”.

She said today I was feeling down and hated myself but I then thought of you and realized how much of a good person I am compare to you.I wasn’t sure how to feel but I guess it was good that I was making someone feel better.

No matter how bad we are, we are a blessing to others. If we’re rude, we are teach others patience and humility. Or we teach them how to have better comebacks.

If we are greedy, we can teach people to learn to give more because of the situation they were put in and how they wouldn’t like anyone else to be put in that situation. Or we could maybe even teach them to save some money. Win win.

In some cases being a bad person can help others way more than you being a good person. When you meet a very good, talented,  rich or successful person most people feel like total garbage after a meet with them. They feel down, empty and like they have a lot left to accomplish.

When we meet downright self righteous people most of us automatically despise them and feel better  about who we are.

Be who you’re meant to be and you’ll be a blessing anyway.

Now please don’t take anything I wrote seriously and be the best version of yourself.

I am a blessing as well.