when my house is on fire

I needed to write this but it was 17%. By the time the page opened its now 15%.

Help!

It’s my brain I’m talking too.
I have been at an all down in life many times and just recently  was at an all down. I needed to get back up but I had no idea how. I had no idea why I wasn’t getting up actually. It’s like watching your house burn while you just sit there and slowly take a bag to pack your bag and take unnecessary belongings. Not unimportant, just unnecessary.
That’s how it was for me. Picking up belongings while my own house was burning. I didn’t know I was so slow. I could see the house burn but couldn’t feel the burn. I was numb. But conscience. Was still moving but very very slow.

Nights got more comfortable and mornings were a dread. oh God it was horrible. Who was that person? What was happening. My brain was too slow to calculate or fathom anything at all. It all made no sense to me.

Here’s how I picked myself back up and almost left my belongings in the fire to just walk out. Almost.

  1. Sleep. Yes sleep through it. Most people who are depressed sleep a lot. Since my brain couldn’t function well I decided it needed more cells and the best way to repair that was sleep. I decided to sleep more and just dwell in ghost town.
  2. Exercise. Every morning I decided to run/ bike  or at least walk. It gets the body moving and the brain happy. Google how a runners brain looks like. There you go. I couldn’t afford going to gym anymore.
  3. Read. Read, read, read and read some more.
  4. Do one thing you’re good at and that makes you happy. I’m writing this. Don’t know if I’m any good at it but I like it and it makes me feel productive. Or I’ll try and make short films on my phone. The little things.
  5. Nutrition. To get out of my horrible state, I had to eat good nutritious food. The type that’ll make talk about it to other people. The type that’ll have me get up and feel good while everyone around me is in a food coma.
  6. Gratitude. Thank God and everyone around for everything you can think of. Pray harder, thank more. Smile. Cover that darkness with a smile so wide you get rid of that bag and just hit the door running for you life. Burns take a lot to recover from you know.

I’m on 9% now and I’ll have to read proof real quick and share it in as many places as I can. I wish I could go on but I need my sleep. Brain cells, remember? I’m still slower than usual.

I’m almost done packing up bag, haven’t let go of it just yet but I will if I continue doing these rituals.I have before.

I’m at 6% now.

 

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Death after momentum

I stopped and I almost died. It killed me internally. I was becoming a sheep. No I was becoming a something a little better than a sheep. Some other weird kind of animal. After all, we are also animals as well right? Some even claim we were monkeys. Funny. Could that explain my love for bananas? Recently I ate around 36 bananas in a day. Definitely a trip!

I kept doing what I’m doing because it keeps me sane. Most of the time at least. We all have things that we do that keep us sane. That’s why we keep doing it every single day. And we all have stuff we should avoid doing like slacking off etc etc..You get the picture. But this month has just been a total downfall. These couple of months actually haven’t been great regarding time management and schedule  but December has been the absolute worst.

That’s the problem with a rhythm and momentum. Once you get out of it, it just gets so hard to get it back, especially when it was hard in the first place. It’s like a big snowball falling off a downhill and then it’s suddenly stopped by a bunch of trees. Then summer comes and it slowly melts over those trees and that liquid will stay there till winter again until it becomes an iceberg….. So you see, getting back isn’t as easy anymore. Especially if you have stopped for a good while.

Getting momentum is what we need to get going but I’ll get it back. I just indulged a little in the lack of momentum and rhythm but its depressing most of the time. This isn’t me and now I have firsthand experience how a lot of people feel a lot of the time with no sense of direction. Yikes.

Whenever I lose that rhythm I fall back. Here’s what I’ll do to feel a 100%  or 80%.

  • Establish a schedule
  • Journal
  • practice gratefulness as much as I can
  • create rituals. Noticed I used the word rituals and not habit. I’ll aim create habits that are so strict that they’ll seem like some crazy ritual.
  • Build a snowman someday.

Question part 2

He asked me why? And I answered. But why? I just don’t get it.

Somethings we’re just not suppose to get it. We just do it I replied.

It got me thinking late about his questions. They were very good questions. Hard ones, the ones that leave you wondering about your whole purpose.  I wandered in the car that day thinking of nothing but the questions that were asked. But one question stood out. A very easy question that we all had a right to know, since we were all doing it.

What is the meaning of life? That was the question. Easy. Right?!

He was depressed and was looking for answers. He needed something to hold on to.  Life is….I paused. He looked at with teary puppy eyes. A lot of hope were in those eyes. How could I have not answered him.

Life means doing good. Life means purpose. Life means living for tomorrow. Life means surrounding yourself with so much good that you can’t be touched by much bad. Life means to enjoy every moment of every day and every good thing that you have in your life. Life is surrender. Like means worshipping.Life means battle. Life means survive for an even better life. Life is fighting for what’s right. Life is letting go of what doesn’t grow anymore. Life is fear and standing in the face of it. Life is pain. Life is adventure. Life is experience. Life is art and life is creation.

I just kept going and going, I was on a roll. I wanted to give him reason to believe that life is a lot more than what he’s going through. I didn’t want to sound over positively so I added in a little pain to let him know that pain is part of the process and that life is messy but it’s all about how we perceive it and that life comes in many forms. Love, pain, confusion etc.

When I look back at what I told him, I’m proud of how I phrased it all and I he made it out of the that depressed phase he was in. For a while at least.I hope someday when he is feeling down again and life took has become pain again, he can look back at this and realize that there’s so much more to life than pain and it’s all a part of the process.

At least that’s my understanding of life. There are tons of books out there with what life really means but I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve manifested.

To life *Raises half peeled banana*

The stalker I wasn’t

I was the one who’d walk in Universal city alone. It’s called Universal city because it’s a very universal place. People from all over the universe come to walk there. I was seen with some people but not a lot and was always finding something new to do on social media.

I later got a message saying this, :I . That is what they call a neutral smiley. I replied back saying Hi? . Then got nothing back. Told her I missed her and it’s been a while.  I asked “are you okay?” She replied a day later saying “LOL”. It was a Friday night. and she asked me why was I texting her on a Friday night, lonely much? She must have been confused about who text who. I said that I replied to her message and that’s why I’m texting. She then told me that my loneliness has turned me into stalker and I should stop stalking her. That was the end of the conversation.

I began wondering why would anyone in their right minds say such a thing? I did put in the probability that she wasn’t all there. But what if she was all there? Was it maybe because I walked a lot at Universal city alone?  Or it was because  it is a Universal place and I shouldn’t have been there alone? Maybe I wasn’t all there.

Then I deviated away from the stalker part and thought about how lonely people can be interpreted. Not just as a stalker but many sort of things as well. Weird, lonely ( which has become a modern day curse word) , loser, freak, loner?! 

We nowadays have become terrified of being alone not just because it’s scary but because of the way its perceived . Its looked upon as wrong, bad and very antisocial. It’s why many are depressed, stressed and in extreme cases suicidal. We don’t know how to be alone and that can be a dangerous thing.

Here are 7 things I do when I’m alone to keep from not being a stalker :

  1. Turn off all social media. When I’m alone being on social media is like calling depression my way. It’s just bad. When we’re alone and we see people supposedly living such brilliant, amazing shiny lives. How would that make me feel? I start wanting to visit countries, be places with people, marry celebrities and own a mansion. Staying away from social media is something I do for the sake of sanity. Phones all turned off and signed out of everywhere. Its toxic I tell you
  2. Write. Or type, I’m a horrible writer, I have really bad hand writing and when I start writing and look at my handwriting, it just discourages me and I stop. So I type instead. Type about what I’m feeling, things I want to do, make plans. Just open up an empty canvas and type. I guess that makes me a typist.
  3. Read. I read up on about how to be lonely better. I read interesting stories. What I always suggest to my students is to find something they’re passionate about and read up on about it. There’s no such thing as I don’t like reading. We all have an interest that we would LOVE to read about. Cars, football, games, self help ( don’t know why its called self help if the book is one that’ll be helping you. How about help book? ) . Maybe pick up a magazine, search blogs, just try it. Or ask a friend to lend you a book, sometimes helps in starting you off with reading.
  4. Call my best friend. Whenever I’m bored or have nothing to do, I end up calling my best friend and we just talk and talk and talk. It’s amazing what wonders friends can do. And if you’re really lonely and don’t have a best friend or your best friend isn’t much of a talker then don’t do this point. Or shoot me an email.
  5. Ponder. It’s nice to have some quiet time to myself, where I just wonder about the future, think of tomorrow and it’s amazing benefits. Or just sit in silent and see what ideas come up. If anything is great, I write them down so I can write about them or talk about them even.
  6. Walk. Walking is always a great thing to do when I’m alone. Especially when the weather is good. You just can’t beat a good old walk.
  7. Movies. If I have something good to watch a movie works like a charm on me. I put it on and it’s just me and the movie. Or even better, I go to the movies, get a large popcorn just for ME and enjoy. Why do people even go the movies together when you can’t even talk. Some people won’t even go the movies alone? Really? You want someone you know sitting beside you? Lone-a-phobic much?

And those are the main things that I do to not stalk my fellow social media people.

Now I really want to go to Universal city.

city walk

The movie that distracted me from writing

It’s one of those movies where you can’t turn down or if you’re reading the book then can’t put down. I have run out of words to put in a good post recently but will write regardless.

It’s about.. well it’s about a lot of stuff. Patriotism, friendship, pride, love, family and career. It’s a great combination of events going in, its fast paced but at the same time it gives you a little time to get you emotionally involved with the characters.  Now I’ve seen hundreds and hundreds of movies and will continue to watch even hundreds more. I love it. It has my attention and it gives me something to think about. I think I’ll start writing about movies that are worth writing about and that can be seen by all ages. And that probably has a good moral.

So what movie/book am I talking about?! kite

Have you guessed it yet?

runner

Ok you may guessed it and you may have not. It’s kite runner!! The reason I write about this movie was because I just happen to watch while I was writing up a blog post and it completely deviated me from typing anymore. I mean completely. I watched this movie with ads. I forgot how good it was and I never watch movies ads. Yuck ads!!

Anyways, for those who may have seen or read, then you can read along. Those who haven’t if you don’t like spoilers then don’t I guess. But please watch or read it. Like for real.

The story takes place in the 197o’s in Afghanistan when it was all sunshine and rainbows before the war and the Taliban. It’s about 3 characters mainly, Ameer, Baba and Hassan. As children, Ameer and Hassan were inseparable; their long days under azure Kabul skies often spent getting into innocent mischief or preparing for the highly anticipated kite-fighting tournament. When the day of the tournament arrives, however, a glorious victory is quickly offset by an act of betrayal that ultimately serves as the catalyst for catastrophe. Not long after that fateful day, Amir moves away to America, leaving his old friend behind just as the country turn into a war zone. Two decades later, Amir returns to Afghanistan to find his beloved homeland has now fallen under the iron-fisted rule of the Taliban. Still, all hope for redemption hasn’t been lost just yet, because now that Amir stands face to face with the irrepressible secrets that he struggled so vigilantly to bury, he will receive one last chance to make peace with the past, and lay the groundwork for a brighter future.

Now, I haven’t read the book but some say that the movie is soulless compare to the book! WHAT?!. Man, then the book is definitely bound to turn me into a 13 year old girl. If you’re into reading and have the time. Buy the book, read it, get soft and feel better for you have read a masterpiece.

Not enough time and prefer a movie, watch it, turn into an 18 year old literature student that may or may not feel this emptiness in his/her heart towards the end of the movie. The movie is a little fast paced, and I’m sure by now tons of people have already watched it. But watch it again, just do it.

” For you readers a thousand times over”

Watch/read it and you’ll know what I mean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How I soul create 

As I walk towards the gazing sun with my backpack and tent, I stare at the sun and hope that like in the movies, I’ll hear a voice telling me “H A D Y….Y O U  A  R E   T H E   C H O S E N   O N E” . But instead I taste the salt that’s coming out of me only, and hear silence.

hike.jpg

My eyes hurt now. I haven’t worn sunglasses for over a year, but I’ve never stared at the sun for that long before. I take my cell phone out and start browsing topics I find interesting. I want to be a writer. So I started this blog, in the hope of it taking me somewhere. I already feel better. I wanted to swim in the ocean, so I walked back to my car with disappointment that I will not get to hear my calling in the desert. I drove to the nearest ocean and took off all of the heavy hiking equipment I had on, boots, prescription glasses and just dived right in. It wasn’t really a dive, I had to walk towards the shallow water first and it stayed shallow for quite some time, I was almost going to turn back disappointed but the water eventually had covered me from head to toe. More salty flavor, but this time it wasn’t coming out my body. I guess it was a good idea to replenish my salt stocks.

I didn’t expect the ocean to tell me anything, but I felt liberated. Isn’t that what we’re looking for?. Why did I want to hear my calling from the sun, wearing hard shell pants, a fleece pullover, a hard shell jacket, warm socks, insulated boots, and high gaiters in the midst of summer?  Is that the way that I want to remember my calling? I want liberty, freedom and justice for all. Ok, that’s a little over the top but freedom will do for now. Until my next post.

I was wearing myself down, doing things I didn’t enjoy even the idea, just so maybe I could find out if it was good for me or if I wanted to do that. People go through heaps of trouble and stress to look for what they’re calling is and don’t realize that it can be easier than buying a plane ticket to Ghana for a spiritual hiking trip. I have written about finding our callings previously but this post is an even a shorter cut to that. Makes any sense?

After that ocean swim I decided to mostly  do want I want (having a family prevents you from a 100% freedom but i’ll settle for  75-85%) and in regards to soul searching, I’ve found a cheaper and more efficient alternative to the Ghana trip. And probably safer too.Here’s what I do and my soul has been expanding since.

Stopped stressing about my soul. I stopped looking for meaning outside of my interests. If I don’t enjoy wearing high gaiters, then I decided I’m not going to do something I don’t enjoy to supposedly feel spiritual. I stopped overthinking what I love to do and did more of things I like and enjoy. Like this post right here.

  1. You will not feel awesome everyday. I don’t want to post everyday but I feel better when I do. I don’t want to workout everyday but I feel awesome after I do. The same goes with self love , work, teaching. You are not going to be happy waking everyday to do what you love, you will not love it everyday but you’ll definitely feel better after doing it, and that’s love. It’s messed up. Mood follows action.
  2. Take up a prova. Prova is the Italian word for “attempt”. I once thought I wanted to be a graphic designer because I like cartoons and I have a vivid imagination, so I attempted to take up a graphic design course  and dropped it 20 minutes later ( and I didn’t even get the full deposit back ). It just wasn’t for me. The seat I had to sit in, the boring software. I liked the idea of it but the reality was that it wasn’t my thing. So try things that you think you may like and see how it feels.
  3. Stop soul searching. And start creating. I started looking up classes I wanna take, courses and some I thought were fun, turned out to be a total disappointment of what I had in mind. I started creating content. Youtube, blogs, pictures and anything I could do to create. Then things and people come searching for you. Some want your help, your advice and some want to make a fool out of you. It’s all good.
  4. Create challenges. If there are things I feel good about after doing, then I try to challenge myself to do it everyday for a period of time and try and make a habit out of it. Every time I break that challenge, it’s harder to get back on, but I don’t dwell for too long, just maybe lose sleep for a day or two but then get back right at it.
  5. It’ll take time. Progress takes time, but when I stick I feel better a 100% of the time. Hang on to your happiness and good habits, you’ll be a better whole person for it. And as much as I hate to say this but patience is a virtue when it comes to soul creating. You don’t create in a week or a month. I think 5 years is a good time period to see where I have come. So don’t lose hope and stick stick stick. You fall off the wagon, fine. Cry for a day or two, make your life and everyone else’s a living hell then get back on it and feel better. Others will too.

I follow these simple guidelines for a period of time and I almost always feel better.On to creating some more soul. If you read this and felt like creating a soul for yourself. Let me know how it goes.

 

Wine and swine ( why I should be mocked )

I walk into the hall and they sit in pairs while I take a seat next to the sofa right next to the window. No one dares to choose a seat, they just take the first seat that meets their knees. Yes, the seats reach their knees. As I glance outside, I see no scenery. Just mud and dirt. I hear whispers all around me. They’re probably discussing why I walked in with 20 bananas. Wouldn’t you be thinking the same thing?

A smoker walks in and tells me how those bananas can kill me and then proceeds to the dining table to have a bacon and cheese sandwich. Good for the heart. Good stuff. I then start recording my surroundings and explain what I’m seeing here is an example of mass hypnosis. Some laugh and some were furious with me. A person told me that if I didn’t delete that video he’d never talk to me again. I then post it on Youtube and he’s quiet about it. We still talk. He just says I should have asked him first. I tell him that I’m trying to do others a favor and create awareness about the condition he is suffering from. “That’s not nice” he says. Did I just say that out loud? I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. Alright fine mock me.

I go to see my friend. He tells me that he’s throwing a party. I say “cool”. But I can’t come. His wife insists she serves flesh and wine. I can’t be around that? “What kind of flesh are we talking about,” I ask? Swine. Okay, that’s okay. And what kind of wine? Alcoholic. I can’t make it. It’s a matter of principle. Then why do you hang around us then? It doesn’t mean that I have to let go of all my values cause I hang with you people. I’ve already given up a fair portion of values being your friends. I think I said that out loud. That wasn’t very nice.  I just don’t do wine and swine.

I later walk into the kitchen and make a nice concoction of fresh produce with some super seeds. I try to feed the baby hanging at the side of the kitchen and the parents run to stop me. They tell me their kids don’t eat that stuff. The child looks confusingly at the parents, so he scares away from the fresh blend I’ve made. The baby then puts up a face and it’s one of those faces that you know tears may come next. So they hurry up, grab a small carton of chocolate milk, pop it and give it to the baby. The baby is fine now. For dinner I made a spinach artichoke olive avocado salad. The baby then walks towards me and gives the salad a curious look and has never seen anything like this before. I take the fork and poke a few leaves of spinach, but make sure it grabs an avocado slice and an olive on the way down. Then slightly dip it on my homemade raw honey mustard dressing with mango. Heading towards the baby’s mouth in slow motion pretending its an alien’s aircraft landing into space for the first time, it is then shoved away by the parents telling me I’m no longer to ever feed the baby again. They then fry up some sausages and feed it to him. I take off.

I decide to go home and cry it out. But my spirit wont let me. It tells I have comprehended far too much for me to be put in tears. So instead it tells me to ask for more. I go out the next day, and look at the world around me. Their spirits are tinier than mine. Shocker. I am beginning to see through. I see spirits. I then remember the scene in the sixth sense where the boy tells Bruce willis ” I see dead people”

dead people

I see spirits. And mine tells me that the same way little kids cannot simply comprehend what adults are going through on a day-to-day basis that the little spirits cannot simply comprehend the transformation that it has made inside me. I look around and I humbly fall on my knees, knowing I have to be gentle. And I have to be mocked, hated and misunderstood If I want to try and grow other spirits.

Stay strong it tells me.

The characters we play

As I walk in to that door, I automatically super charge and transform into the energetic instructor I’m suppose to be. I greet everyone with a smile, say good afternoon or evening and get warmed up in the instructors room. You see,that room to me is like behind the curtains for actors that are getting ready to say their lines and play their role on stage. The only difference between me and them is my colleagues don’t know that i’m rehearsing. And that can be hard, because I may end up offending somebody or giving someone a bad impression. I don’t like that but the job must get done.

I come home, mellow down and let my guard down for a while before I go to bed. It’s relaxing. Most of the time I don’t have a show to put up after 9 pm. But as I wake up in the morning I should or else I get depressed and get nothing done.

Then, I turn into this quiet-ish little boy when I’m with my parents because I haven’t got that much to say and I also have to be extra careful about what comes out. So I refrain from being too loud or saying stuff that’ll probably make them think twice about who this person is.

Then I have 3 group of friends. The 1st group I can let my guard down completely and just be “me” and say what needs to be said. The second group is those who kind of look up to me in a way and I have to be that shining example and not let anybody down. The 3rd group is the one where I have to be nice cause they’re nice too, they’re more acquaintances than friends and so I have to be well-behaved.

Then comes the smoothie man where I’m the founder and the representative. So I have to be top-notch at customer service and make sure that I don’t end up insulting anyone due to their ignorance. Not that anyone is. Just saying. I not only have to be at my very best, I also have to convince them to buy and why this is actually good for them, and how I’m doing them a favor and no matter where they look in this island, they’ll not find great quality whole foods for this affordable price.

Here’s the issue. When you lose yourself and start playing another character in the wrong place. Here’s an example, a customer called and told me she wanted smoothies, she mentioned what fruits she wanted in her smoothies and what to exclude. She told me she doesn’t like bananas. I said “okay, how about mangoes? ” “Not a fan sorry”, she replied. “ok then, I’ll put in some avocados for you”. “sorry those too”.  I simply blurted: ” I feel sorry for you, are you serious?”  Long story short, she didn’t text/call back that following day. And at times my wife tells me ” I’m not your friends okay. I’m not Ahmed or Nasser. How can you talk to me that way”. Mmm oops? Back to character Hady, back to character.

When I play such intense characters. It’s hard. It’s hard to get out of them quick and it’s hard not to offend people. But I mean all good, I promise. I don’t wanna hurt anybody. People either love me or hate me. That grey line is quite rare. I can be a little straightforward at times. I just forget which character I’m playing. I’m exhausted already naming all them.