Death is inevitable

I turn 28 in an hour or so.

Today has been a very long day. I had a 13 hour work shift. I’m exhausted and emotional.

I don’t know why. But today’s work was rewarding. I got to be a mentor for a team of 7. I guided them to create a movie. 7 people with no relevance or experience in filmmaking created a 2 minute movie. One of my team even won best actor.

I’m so happy about that. I’m just usually emotional this time of year. I’m getting closer to my goals and freedom. I’m also getting closer to death. It’s liberating.

When I feel this way, I think of a picture that I saw a while ago about how the earth looks like from far far away. It’s like this overhead shot of the planet earth and it looks very small.

It’s a tiny hole. What am I worried about?

We are tiny specks walking around. We are miracles bossing each other and being d**** to each other.

I like to think of that picture, it calms me. I also like to think of Jim Carrey’s crazy concept ¬†of we don’t exist. This isn’t real.

The other day I had a really shitty day. I just said to myself ” Hey, I don’t exist. This isn’t even happening ūüôā “

Why are we so bad about talking about pain?

A few weeks ago, or maybe months. Time is just flying by.

A fellow colleague of ours lost her husband while she was teaching a class. She didn’t know that she had lost him until she arrived to the hospital. They told her that he fell and is in emergency room. By the time she left her class and got to the hospital, he was already dead.

I was a little shaken up by that. I mean people die everyday, every minute and probably every second. But people who are close to you, its different. She came back to work pretty quick. In around 2 weeks or so. Maybe she needed the money, or maybe she had to get out of the house because there was nothing she could really do. I don’t know.

We all expressed our condolences and that was pretty much the end of it. At least for me. Every time I see her I feel awkward. I’m not sure whether to smile or say hello and walk away or ask her about her feelings. I don’t know. I’m afraid she doesn’t want to be reminded and also afraid that she thinks that I’m being an insensitive prick. And I really don’t which one I am. Maybe I am one.

In my heart, I don’t want to hear about it because I haven’t been trained to deal with such grief. And also don’t want to. I’m a busy person. And plus I see her in between classes, wouldn’t that be awkward to talk about her husband’s death which may end up a disaster and then we both have to end up going to a class. Me writing this makes me feel like I’m not the best person in the world right now.

The world is full of pain and suffering but we don’t talk about it enough. We kind of have 2 sides. Too much pain and suffering and too many masks on. We all know that someone who constantly complains about every single damn thing. I honestly think they ruined it for me because I usually think keep that s*** to yourself.

But not every problem is s***. Not every problem should be neglected. Some need to be dealt with. Some need love, care, attention and pretty much a support group.

I have so made so many assumptions about my colleague’s feelings that I didn’t stop and just ask her. I did once and she said ” good good”. I said good, I’m glad and quickly walked away before she said anything else and possibly break down in tear. It’s messed up.

I now want to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. If she cries, she cries. She can tell me if she doesn’t want me to bring it up. She can tell me.

She can tell me.

Would you rather die!?

I’d rather die is a common phrase that’s thrown around loosely.

Would you really rather die?

Death is one of my favourite topics. I could go on and on about it. Most people don’t want to die, even good people who believe in heaven have a hard time giving up to death.

Now, let’s pretend you were given a choice. Death or your alternative. The alternative being ” I’d rather die than…. ”

I really want to know what would make you take your life ( or have life taken from you if that brings you comfort ). Would being with a certain somebody, eating a certain food or being put in a certain situation.

Take a second and think about actual death. No more world. No more life. No more you.

Heck if you take your life some may even consider you a hero or some brave warrior.

Now after you’ve taken a few minutes to think about your departing, would you still do what you preferred death do.

I think with a bloody smirk on too.


Every night

Every night I struggle to make sense of why the day is ending. Sleep is difficult. Mind is racing. Thoughts all over the place.

I stare at the screen. Grateful .I breathe in.

A deep deep breath. One of those breaths that make you pretty lean looking.

I pray quietly. I ponder. Then I remember. I’m going to die.

I’m going to die, so please do something about it.

The most logical thing to do is put down the screen, crawl quietly into bed and shut my eyes. Sleeping well pretty much helps you live a longer and happier life.

I shall start my crawl to bed and face this very difficult task of shutting down.

The funeral

A few days ago I attended a funeral. I assisted in burying a man.

I assisted in carrying but not in burying truth be told. As I saw people bury the body everything in my head was in slow motion. The dust, the wrapped body, the faces, some sad and some expressionless. For a split second I felt more alive than ever. I was standing above ground. Above the dirt. I had a shot. Just one more shot to redeem myself.

I more shot to smile, feel and do. My ideal funeral is one where I’m being buried and everyone is high fiving each other, laughing, smiling and talking about how great I made them feel and how fully I lived. Usually when people are like that the harder the cries. But I’d prefer smiles and laughs. Pretty silly.

I want to attend more funerals now. They are a great reminder of how short life can be.


Question part 2

He asked me why? And I answered. But why? I just don’t get it.

Somethings we’re just not suppose to get it. We just do it I replied.

It got me thinking late about his questions. They were very good questions. Hard ones, the ones that leave you wondering about your whole purpose.  I wandered in the car that day thinking of nothing but the questions that were asked. But one question stood out. A very easy question that we all had a right to know, since we were all doing it.

What is the meaning of life? That was the question. Easy. Right?!

He was depressed and was looking for answers. He needed something to hold on to. ¬†Life is….I paused. He looked at with teary puppy eyes. A lot of hope were in those eyes. How could I have not answered him.

Life means doing good. Life means purpose. Life means living for tomorrow. Life means surrounding yourself with so much good that you can’t be touched by much bad. Life means to enjoy every moment of every day and every good thing that you have in your life. Life is surrender. Like means worshipping.Life means battle. Life means survive for an even better life. Life is fighting for what’s right. Life is letting go of what doesn’t grow anymore. Life is fear and standing in the face of it. Life is pain. Life is adventure. Life is experience. Life is art and life is creation.

I just kept going and going, I was on a roll. I wanted to give him reason to believe that life is a lot more than what he’s going through. I didn’t want to sound over positively so I added in a little pain to let him know that pain is part of the process and that life is messy but it’s all about how we perceive it and that life comes in many forms. Love, pain, confusion etc.

When I look back at what I told him, I’m proud of how I phrased it all and I he made it out of the that depressed phase he was in. For a while at least.I hope someday when he is feeling down again and life took has become pain again, he can look back at this and realize that there’s so much more to life than pain and it’s all a part of the process.

At least that’s my understanding of life. There are tons of books out there with what life really means but I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve manifested.

To life *Raises half peeled banana*

How they digged their own graves

There he was. Smoking his way to the grave. A pretty good way to go if, if you ask me. If you enjoy it. Until you’re almost at the grave and then you really don’t wanna go. It’s not that you just don’t want to go anymore, cause who does? It’s what happens to you before you go. He was detoriating slowly. Deteriorate here means die slowly and painfully without you having any control over it and no amount of painkillers can stop it, but maybe deteriorate it even more ( make it slower ) which is bad news really. You’re just staying alive to be punished. Maybe that will make it easier after you’ve died already.

I asked him after his second diagnosis of confirmed cancer if it was from all the smoking, but he was quick to reply “NO”. I’ve been smoking all my life, can’t be it. If it was, it would have killed me a long time ago. But his premature aging and wrinkly cheeks were signs that this was coming sooner or later. Bless him.

This other guy I knew was convinced that he’s healthy and that his oversized gut was genetic and that it runs in the family. After a stroke he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol ( heart disease) and high blood pressure. He was later served the same food he always ate and refused to make any dietary changes or take medication because he was healthy and the stroke was just an incident that had occurred and was unavoidable. The next stroke he had numbed half his face leaving him partially blind and they had to amputate one of his legs due to poor blood circulation. He wished the stroke took him all the way to the grave instead of the emergency room.

What did these 2 stubborn but loving men ( to their families ) have in common ?

Well for one they became a damn burden to their loved ones and society as ¬†a whole. They were living on the concept that if we have all done this for a long time then it’s perfectly fine. Their loved ones now had to take special care of them.

I like how the word “special” can mean the exact opposite depending on context. You’re a special boy, can mean you are mentally retarded ( literally and/or figuratively) and it can mean you’re wonderful ( Extraordinary). Their kind of “special” treatment led to others being handicapped by serving them in “special ways” no one had the pleasure of doing.

What does this teach me though?

It teaches me to look past culture and society. It teaches me that cultural habits can be very damaging if done long enough and it can damage myself and others around me in the long run. It teaches me that to deteriorate through cultural habits is bad. It teaches me to have an open mind when someone tries to teach me or even tell me something new and not be dogmatic about it. It teaches me also to be bare the pain of seeing dogmatic and stubborn loved ones dig a hole while I can’t do a single thing about it. That’s always the hardest part.

Good news for the diabetic dude though. The next stroke took him. Not sure if it was good or bad news for his loved ones. Maybe a little bit of both. A sort of a mixed feeling.
God rest their souls, and ours too while I’m at prayer mode.Amen.

How to be pure

He was staring at me non stop. It was probably my man bun. I was looked at in weird ways by abusers, liars, hypocrites, cheaters with a few thieves thrown in. But they were better people than I was. They were the chosen ones, all hand picked by God himself. Anyone to forfend by what they believed was wrong, were WRONG. There was no messing with those people.

I was covered in shame, trying to hide my face using my hair. Since they weren’t pleased by the man bun, I untied it and let my shoulder length hair cover my face so I could hide behind it. I took a peek through the layers and they weren’t happy at all. It felt like they were casting me out of heaven forever. I left there with hate and promising to grow my hair even longer. I have now become stubbornly hateful because I was jealous of those who had the key to heaven. Since I was out anyways I was gonna be bad to the bone.

After watching Terminator 2 for some motivation on being bad to the bone I got even more upset because the bad guy was liquid metal and there was no way in hell I could be like that. Great, now hell too.

I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realized that I wasn’t casted our of heaven yet. I am not dead yet. I have time to redeem myself and have a clean bun instead of a messy one.I figured I’d start there. I felt better about myself. I went in to work lifting my bun with pride. It was all neatly tucked in and I was getting less dirty look and more clean looks.

I then saw someone walk in with an undercut. How dare he walk in here looking like that?!!! Where does he think he is? This is the middle east. Then walked in a women with a pierced lip. HOW DOUBLE DARE YOU? You both ought to DOUBLE DATE. I then remembered how I was casted out of heaven with mere judgmental looks. I stopped casting them out and smiled at them. They looked at me weirdly. I smiled even more hoping they could the read the smile, which read ” It’s okay, I understand. I know what you go through sometimes. And I’m not casting you out of heaven, don’t worry.” They walked out and we lost 2 potential clients. But at least they walked out knowing I was with them.

I made another decision , to never try and cast anyone out of heaven again or give them judgmental looks. We are all going through our own journey and kindness always wins. I was gentle with myself and It worked. The gentler I became with people, the more they accepted me and I them. I formed a bond with myself and a pact to never judge anyone based on appearance, race, color or food choices ( I’m working on this one ) .

And how did I get my self out of hell after being casted out of heaven?! It was one good decision. And I think that’s something I ought to work on more often. Making better decisions.¬†

I have rid myself out of the purist mentality a long time ago and have met and made more friends with people from all walks of life. Some who didn’t even walk much. And I’ve accepted them in my heart. It all started with a better decision. So the next time I make a move, I’ll think of the better decision and take that one step forward. We will always be on a high horse and look down at other, the purer we are. Lets rid ourselves of purity. It’s non existent. Making a better decision exists and the next good decision will be to post this.



Another death post…and the comfort of it.


So when you die, will they cry for you?

Here’s an example: “what if your best friend died. and you had to…”
These are usually the examples that I give my students and they absolutely hate it. I tend to enjoy these examples because it makes you think in the worse case scenarios and how to deal with them. No, I don’t only look at the negative side of life or the dark side, but I strongly believe that the most difficult parts of our lives are the most defining moments. So when I tell somebody, “when/If ¬†your loved one dies, how would you react?” I expect a very raw and heartfelt reply.

I expect language to come singing out of their soul, and it has happened a lot of the time. Now, most of the time I get the usual ” let’s not talk about such bad things” but really think about it. Death is defining and really makes you think and think deep.

I believe that something beautiful awaits me after death, and I have faith and I think that the more I welcome it, the better quality of life I have, I don’t welcome it in the sense that I cross the highway without looking. NO. I am a pretty sensible guy, most of the time at least and I am cautious and I do care about my health ( those of you regular readers should know this by now¬†).

I’d love to reach my near death and smile with a high :D…because I’ll want to meet God and because I’d want to meet him then I’m pretty sure he’ll want to meet me too. But we all hate death and death is such a hard thing, I don’t wanna die just yet, but I’ll want to be ready for it, so hope all this mental prep work helps.

To those non believers and to those who feel like what I wrote above is nonsense, well I hope you feel what I’m feeling right and that’s all I can say but I have a little something for you as well ;).A¬†beautiful poem I came across by Chief Tecumseh that I’d like to share with you. Read till the very end.

“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.

Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools
and robs the spirit of its vision. When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.‚ÄĚ

Happy reading.