when my house is on fire

I needed to write this but it was 17%. By the time the page opened its now 15%.

Help!

It’s my brain I’m talking too.
I have been at an all down in life many times and just recently  was at an all down. I needed to get back up but I had no idea how. I had no idea why I wasn’t getting up actually. It’s like watching your house burn while you just sit there and slowly take a bag to pack your bag and take unnecessary belongings. Not unimportant, just unnecessary.
That’s how it was for me. Picking up belongings while my own house was burning. I didn’t know I was so slow. I could see the house burn but couldn’t feel the burn. I was numb. But conscience. Was still moving but very very slow.

Nights got more comfortable and mornings were a dread. oh God it was horrible. Who was that person? What was happening. My brain was too slow to calculate or fathom anything at all. It all made no sense to me.

Here’s how I picked myself back up and almost left my belongings in the fire to just walk out. Almost.

  1. Sleep. Yes sleep through it. Most people who are depressed sleep a lot. Since my brain couldn’t function well I decided it needed more cells and the best way to repair that was sleep. I decided to sleep more and just dwell in ghost town.
  2. Exercise. Every morning I decided to run/ bike  or at least walk. It gets the body moving and the brain happy. Google how a runners brain looks like. There you go. I couldn’t afford going to gym anymore.
  3. Read. Read, read, read and read some more.
  4. Do one thing you’re good at and that makes you happy. I’m writing this. Don’t know if I’m any good at it but I like it and it makes me feel productive. Or I’ll try and make short films on my phone. The little things.
  5. Nutrition. To get out of my horrible state, I had to eat good nutritious food. The type that’ll make talk about it to other people. The type that’ll have me get up and feel good while everyone around me is in a food coma.
  6. Gratitude. Thank God and everyone around for everything you can think of. Pray harder, thank more. Smile. Cover that darkness with a smile so wide you get rid of that bag and just hit the door running for you life. Burns take a lot to recover from you know.

I’m on 9% now and I’ll have to read proof real quick and share it in as many places as I can. I wish I could go on but I need my sleep. Brain cells, remember? I’m still slower than usual.

I’m almost done packing up bag, haven’t let go of it just yet but I will if I continue doing these rituals.I have before.

I’m at 6% now.

 

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ABC

I walked up to him. It was windy and we stood right in front of the highway in winter.

Winter had already come. I walked up real close, took one glove out and  smacked him right in the forehead for stupidity. The sound was like music to my ears. He started yelling and protesting but I walked away and ignored everything else. The rest was not important to me. I got my satisfaction from the smack and the beautiful tune that came out of it.

A few days later, I felt a little guilty. Still proud but guilty and what if I handled it in a better way? What if I just spoke calmly and let him indulge in his stupidity and stubbornness. What did that slap in the head solve but my satisfaction?

He obviously still thinks he is right and makes a good point after that. So nothing really changed about the way he thinks. He just got humiliated and I felt better about it. But where’s the good in any of this? I mean is that self satisfaction really helping me?

I think it was helping my ego. And that’s not good. Ego is good, only when its going to do good. We need a little ego to get things done in life but not to hurt others like that, especially when it does not benefit anyone.

On another occasion I was then asked, what I though was a very stupid question. I thought about what I did the other day to the gentlemen and the noise his forehead produced was not one I wanted to hear again. So I kept my cool and thought about the question.

Here’s what my brain analyzed. Stupid, offensive and disciplinary questions are asked for 2 reasons.

  1. The person asking really doesn’t know what you’re talking about and they are genuinely curious. Which is always a good question to answer then.
  2. The second type is where they ask questions to just piss you off, annoy you or try and belittle you .

Number 2 is where I have trouble with. Or had. I’m working on them. People who want to belittle you or try to show you that they’re better than you are those who are little people inside and need to uplift themselves by showing you that they’re better.

Here’s the dirty secret. They never get uplifted by doing that. They just don’t know it. As proud as I felt that way, I really feel the need to keep doing that again and again to feel better. That’s why I had to stop doing it.

People who are miserable make others feel miserable. People who feel little need to belittle others. They get temporarily uplifted by being who they are to others.

Please forgive them. Smile. Answer them and walk away. And don’t ever look back.

Whenever you’re put in a situation always remember ABC

A lways

B e

C ool

Keep your cool, you’ll feel better, they’ll feel worse and you’re actually helping them overcome whatever they’re going through.

SO please ABC

Question part 3

We all thought that Haddaway solved the million dollar question. We were all shaking our heads to it after all.

What is love?
Baby don’t hurt me
Don’t hurt me
No more

But no.

He only said it how he saw it. But that song was very popular not only because we saw Will ferell shaking his head to it but because it was good music that was super relatable. Love is pain right?

I asked someone very dear to me, what is love? They said you are love. As flattering as the answer was, I don’t think I’m completely pain. So what am I then? Am I pain, pleasure and a little bit of awkwardness thrown in the middle?

Some say that Love is indescribable and there have been amazing love stories out there and songs. We all know John Lennon when it comes to love. Ah yes! All you need is love la la la la …All you need is love, love, love love is all you need. This is the same guy who beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day. There you go ladies and gentlemen John Lennon has defined love for us.

All you need is Love is just too easy because Love wont put food on the table, love won’t helps us stay committed. Saying all we need is love is pure lazy. I’m getting off topic here. We still don’t know what love is.

Is it Romeo and Juliet where if my wife happens to poison herself I follow. Or is it Gandi’s love for his country that made him starve himself till they all listened to him. Some even go as far to say that Love is a choice and we have a say in whether we fall in love or not. Contrary to popular belief where you don’t choose who you fall in love with.

So what the heck is going on here and who do we listen to? It all seems to extreme but our society idealizes love and the problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.

It’s a very very hard question where many great people have taken the liberty of answering this question where we all supposedly know what it is.

There is no one answer for what is Love. This question like my other questions here and here is very subjective. Love comes in all forms, shapes and sizes too. There’s that popular but shaped heart, and then theres the real heart that looks pretty messed up. It comes with pipes around it and stuff. Nasty stuff. But there’s a lot of love in there to give.

Love meaning care. Meaning understanding at the hardest of times. Meaning let downs and forgiving. Love is responsibility. Love can be blindsided by lust, fame, money and other interests that come in handy for each individual.

What is love to you ?

Question part 2

He asked me why? And I answered. But why? I just don’t get it.

Somethings we’re just not suppose to get it. We just do it I replied.

It got me thinking late about his questions. They were very good questions. Hard ones, the ones that leave you wondering about your whole purpose.  I wandered in the car that day thinking of nothing but the questions that were asked. But one question stood out. A very easy question that we all had a right to know, since we were all doing it.

What is the meaning of life? That was the question. Easy. Right?!

He was depressed and was looking for answers. He needed something to hold on to.  Life is….I paused. He looked at with teary puppy eyes. A lot of hope were in those eyes. How could I have not answered him.

Life means doing good. Life means purpose. Life means living for tomorrow. Life means surrounding yourself with so much good that you can’t be touched by much bad. Life means to enjoy every moment of every day and every good thing that you have in your life. Life is surrender. Like means worshipping.Life means battle. Life means survive for an even better life. Life is fighting for what’s right. Life is letting go of what doesn’t grow anymore. Life is fear and standing in the face of it. Life is pain. Life is adventure. Life is experience. Life is art and life is creation.

I just kept going and going, I was on a roll. I wanted to give him reason to believe that life is a lot more than what he’s going through. I didn’t want to sound over positively so I added in a little pain to let him know that pain is part of the process and that life is messy but it’s all about how we perceive it and that life comes in many forms. Love, pain, confusion etc.

When I look back at what I told him, I’m proud of how I phrased it all and I he made it out of the that depressed phase he was in. For a while at least.I hope someday when he is feeling down again and life took has become pain again, he can look back at this and realize that there’s so much more to life than pain and it’s all a part of the process.

At least that’s my understanding of life. There are tons of books out there with what life really means but I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve manifested.

To life *Raises half peeled banana*

The stalker I wasn’t

I was the one who’d walk in Universal city alone. It’s called Universal city because it’s a very universal place. People from all over the universe come to walk there. I was seen with some people but not a lot and was always finding something new to do on social media.

I later got a message saying this, :I . That is what they call a neutral smiley. I replied back saying Hi? . Then got nothing back. Told her I missed her and it’s been a while.  I asked “are you okay?” She replied a day later saying “LOL”. It was a Friday night. and she asked me why was I texting her on a Friday night, lonely much? She must have been confused about who text who. I said that I replied to her message and that’s why I’m texting. She then told me that my loneliness has turned me into stalker and I should stop stalking her. That was the end of the conversation.

I began wondering why would anyone in their right minds say such a thing? I did put in the probability that she wasn’t all there. But what if she was all there? Was it maybe because I walked a lot at Universal city alone?  Or it was because  it is a Universal place and I shouldn’t have been there alone? Maybe I wasn’t all there.

Then I deviated away from the stalker part and thought about how lonely people can be interpreted. Not just as a stalker but many sort of things as well. Weird, lonely ( which has become a modern day curse word) , loser, freak, loner?! 

We nowadays have become terrified of being alone not just because it’s scary but because of the way its perceived . Its looked upon as wrong, bad and very antisocial. It’s why many are depressed, stressed and in extreme cases suicidal. We don’t know how to be alone and that can be a dangerous thing.

Here are 7 things I do when I’m alone to keep from not being a stalker :

  1. Turn off all social media. When I’m alone being on social media is like calling depression my way. It’s just bad. When we’re alone and we see people supposedly living such brilliant, amazing shiny lives. How would that make me feel? I start wanting to visit countries, be places with people, marry celebrities and own a mansion. Staying away from social media is something I do for the sake of sanity. Phones all turned off and signed out of everywhere. Its toxic I tell you
  2. Write. Or type, I’m a horrible writer, I have really bad hand writing and when I start writing and look at my handwriting, it just discourages me and I stop. So I type instead. Type about what I’m feeling, things I want to do, make plans. Just open up an empty canvas and type. I guess that makes me a typist.
  3. Read. I read up on about how to be lonely better. I read interesting stories. What I always suggest to my students is to find something they’re passionate about and read up on about it. There’s no such thing as I don’t like reading. We all have an interest that we would LOVE to read about. Cars, football, games, self help ( don’t know why its called self help if the book is one that’ll be helping you. How about help book? ) . Maybe pick up a magazine, search blogs, just try it. Or ask a friend to lend you a book, sometimes helps in starting you off with reading.
  4. Call my best friend. Whenever I’m bored or have nothing to do, I end up calling my best friend and we just talk and talk and talk. It’s amazing what wonders friends can do. And if you’re really lonely and don’t have a best friend or your best friend isn’t much of a talker then don’t do this point. Or shoot me an email.
  5. Ponder. It’s nice to have some quiet time to myself, where I just wonder about the future, think of tomorrow and it’s amazing benefits. Or just sit in silent and see what ideas come up. If anything is great, I write them down so I can write about them or talk about them even.
  6. Walk. Walking is always a great thing to do when I’m alone. Especially when the weather is good. You just can’t beat a good old walk.
  7. Movies. If I have something good to watch a movie works like a charm on me. I put it on and it’s just me and the movie. Or even better, I go to the movies, get a large popcorn just for ME and enjoy. Why do people even go the movies together when you can’t even talk. Some people won’t even go the movies alone? Really? You want someone you know sitting beside you? Lone-a-phobic much?

And those are the main things that I do to not stalk my fellow social media people.

Now I really want to go to Universal city.

city walk

IRONMAN BAHRAIN RACE REPORT 69.1

The alarm went off and it was 4:15 am. I slept at 12 cause who sleeps on race night right? The dude on stage said even pros don’t so I figured I won’t even try and just stay up and stay relaxed. I had slept well 2 nights before so all was good I guess. The alarm goes off. I wake up, drink water and figure it’s still early anyways, so I lie down a little more. It’s funny how I’d fall fast asleep an hour before transition opens but no sleep would come to me 5-7 hours before. Weird.

I wake up again, have some more water and make a 7 banana smoothie not because I want to but because I have to. So I force some down. Gotta get a cleanse going. I then mix 2 electrolyte drinks with powders I got online and are suppose the best stuff out there. I have never tried them before. I always try new stuff on race day. A friend of mine recommended I take his pre work out powder supplement because it helps so much in the gym and it would keep me going long and hard. Now this is some funky stuff. Basically it’s a shit ton of caffeine with some anti-oxidants thrown in. Now, I NEVER drink caffeine anymore and haven’t in over 2 years. Which is great cause that will make me caffeine sensitive and it will work even better, right?. The container said take one scope but my friend recommended a scope and a half since its a long race. I was heading there not knowing that  the swim has been cancelled, we were suppose to start at 7. So I took it at 6:30 so that the caffeine kicks in. The swim got cancelled due to strong currents ( which I was disappointed about but applaud Ironman Bahrain for putting out safety first ). Race started at 8:15. I was jumping around the start line waiting for my batch’s turn. ( Every 5 athletes were sent out to the bike transition within a period of 15 seconds or so) . I had one gel on me only for emergency just in case I needed it. It was caffeine based, it was GU caramel macchiato caramel machiato

MY turn came up! I sped to T1 and passed my bike, had to run back and look for it carefully. The adrenaline was really kicking in. As I took my bike and took off, I saw the GU gel on the floor, had no idea how it fell off, I picked it up and got on the bike and away I went. ( Later saw another Gel on my race belt. Turns out someone dropped the one I picked)

All I had for nutrition were in my bottles and I wasn’t going to eat anything. That was the plan. We had one lane to ourselves and  the other 2 were for drivers. This year the race was way more organized, less people were complaining. The wind was brutal, at first all we had was head wind and I was just pushing through. After passing the Bahrain Bay bridge and heading towards city center mall was super windy that a few bikes in front of me were going side ways due to the head wind.

At the 22km mark exactly, my stomach began to hurt a little, then the more I pedaled the more it hurt. At 26km the pain was unreal. I don’t ever remember having this much stomach pain. I was riding with one hand on the handle and the other rubbing my stomach. I was barely pedaling. All I could think of at the time was is this what woman have to go through every single month? MY God. The pain was getting worse and then at 36k I stopped on the side and got off my bike. I was butt sore from not spending nearly enough time on the bike and my stomach ache nearly put me in tears. Lots of athletes passing by asked if I was okay, everyone’s trying to be nice while fighting their own battles. You can always appreciate a good gesture knowing what everyones going through. That’s it I wanted out, but the only way out was to get back on my bike. It was a tough time and not a porta potty in sight. I wasn’t sure if it was the pre work out supplement or my mixes or the combination of it all. It was then just me and the highway and everyone else passed me by then. All eyes were on  me.Some looked at me with pity, some with sympathy, some with curiosity.I felt like Simba when he was deserted and left for dead   ( for some reason Simba always pops into my head )help simba

10-15 minutes later I got back on my bike and slowly pedaled, just wanting to get somewhere I can get off. At 50k the pain was completely gone and I began to push real hard to make up for lost time.I must have passed around 20 cyclists and then I decided to finish the bike leg. I was getting hungry and took the GU gel and stared at it for a second, feeling very afraid. This gel was either going to make me or break me. I took it. Thank God I didn’t get anymore stomach ache but got a burst of energy. And from there I went head to head with the wind.

Now when it got really windy I would tell my legs,” easy girl, easy”. Don’t know why i’d call them that but it worked and I’d spin on a low gear with high cadence and just embrace the head wind. I reached  T2 in 3 hours and 32 minutes ( not counting the 10 mins stop). I got off the bike put on my running shoes and visor cap and surprisingly didn’t quit yet. I continued running. I decided to use the bathroom to urinate because I didn’t want to half way of the run. Legs were mush but guess I was going to run anyway. Entering the bathroom, luckily saw a cleaner there who was kind enough in helping me unzip my suit from the back ( also the 1st time wearing this suit to a race) . After the bathroom, I started jogging again and maaaaan was it hard to get running again. My legs were so stiff, mainly my thighs felt locked up. I asked myself whether I really wanted to do this. “Are you really going to run a half marathon Hady? really? Your longest run being the 10k a month ago and before that…? ” So I felt an injury coming. I could have run it but I don’t have that racing mentality anymore. That do it no matter what mentality, even if you finish crawling. I have nothing to gain by doing it and a lot to lose. I could have done it and injured myself and spend time recovering. I’m all about health over fitness. I used to race no matter what before and I did finish races and ended up injured a lot. Not doing that ever again. I don’t have anything against that mentality IF you’re well trained. I know my body very well and it was trying to tell me something and I listened. Sure this is a mind game but we need to get out of this physically well or as well as we can.But me knowing what I knew, training for a month, that was enough reason to get out of it. So after 2.2k I headed to the finish line smiling and everyone cheering me thinking I actually finished the race. Awkward moment there.

After the finish line we had chiropractors and physiotherapists to work on us and boy was that that the highlight of my race. I had a sore upper back and burning thighs. The physiotherapist did some voodoo on me and I was up and cracking. Fantastic work, I felt rejuvenated. They’re an awesome clinic called In touch, and they definitely In touched me very well. You can check them out here

One of the main reasons I wrote this post is tell people that “it’s okay “. It’s okay to forfeit a race if you feel you’re going to get injured. It’s okay to listen to your body when everything else is telling you to push. It’s okay to tell people you DNF ( did not finish) . This doesn’t mean you’re a quitter, this means that you have raised above opinions and criticisms and you listened to the one most important and sacred thing to you. Your body. But if you want to go all out, knock yourself out, i’ve done it a lot in the past and it’s an experience. It’s worth it for some and they love it!! It all depends on what it means to you. I choose health over fitness and I urge you to do it at least the majority of the time.

And here’s how I celebrated my DNF . Best vegan pizza I’ve had so far.
pizza

I want to personally thank Sh. Sager and the Ironman Bahrain team ( Suzy, if you read this, awesome job) tri life for being there for the athletes and for taking customer service a notch up, and for always looking out for me. Endura, the amazing volunteers, and everyone who cheered me on, and last but definitely not least Intouch.

How to be pure

He was staring at me non stop. It was probably my man bun. I was looked at in weird ways by abusers, liars, hypocrites, cheaters with a few thieves thrown in. But they were better people than I was. They were the chosen ones, all hand picked by God himself. Anyone to forfend by what they believed was wrong, were WRONG. There was no messing with those people.

I was covered in shame, trying to hide my face using my hair. Since they weren’t pleased by the man bun, I untied it and let my shoulder length hair cover my face so I could hide behind it. I took a peek through the layers and they weren’t happy at all. It felt like they were casting me out of heaven forever. I left there with hate and promising to grow my hair even longer. I have now become stubbornly hateful because I was jealous of those who had the key to heaven. Since I was out anyways I was gonna be bad to the bone.

After watching Terminator 2 for some motivation on being bad to the bone I got even more upset because the bad guy was liquid metal and there was no way in hell I could be like that. Great, now hell too.

I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realized that I wasn’t casted our of heaven yet. I am not dead yet. I have time to redeem myself and have a clean bun instead of a messy one.I figured I’d start there. I felt better about myself. I went in to work lifting my bun with pride. It was all neatly tucked in and I was getting less dirty look and more clean looks.

I then saw someone walk in with an undercut. How dare he walk in here looking like that?!!! Where does he think he is? This is the middle east. Then walked in a women with a pierced lip. HOW DOUBLE DARE YOU? You both ought to DOUBLE DATE. I then remembered how I was casted out of heaven with mere judgmental looks. I stopped casting them out and smiled at them. They looked at me weirdly. I smiled even more hoping they could the read the smile, which read ” It’s okay, I understand. I know what you go through sometimes. And I’m not casting you out of heaven, don’t worry.” They walked out and we lost 2 potential clients. But at least they walked out knowing I was with them.

I made another decision , to never try and cast anyone out of heaven again or give them judgmental looks. We are all going through our own journey and kindness always wins. I was gentle with myself and It worked. The gentler I became with people, the more they accepted me and I them. I formed a bond with myself and a pact to never judge anyone based on appearance, race, color or food choices ( I’m working on this one ) .

And how did I get my self out of hell after being casted out of heaven?! It was one good decision. And I think that’s something I ought to work on more often. Making better decisions. 

I have rid myself out of the purist mentality a long time ago and have met and made more friends with people from all walks of life. Some who didn’t even walk much. And I’ve accepted them in my heart. It all started with a better decision. So the next time I make a move, I’ll think of the better decision and take that one step forward. We will always be on a high horse and look down at other, the purer we are. Lets rid ourselves of purity. It’s non existent. Making a better decision exists and the next good decision will be to post this.

DONT BE A PURIST. MAKE BETTER DECISIONS ( Note to self )