What depresses me

I see people constantly getting themselves into depression, but I can’t speak to any of that. I do know how to get my self depressed though. It’s pretty basic and straightforward. I don’t really have to try and that’s the scary part. It’s scary how much easier I can get depressed vs be happy.

We live in a cynical world right now where we can easily be lured into sadness and misery. I get depressed by simply letting go. Done.Stress, shame, failure, lazy, the whole package. Who ever came up ” Just let it be” should have been more specific because that is some damaging advice. Didn’t the Beatles coin that?

Letting it be is one of the worse advice I’ve ever gotten because that’s what leads to my downfall. Living each day with the flow and with what it brings is what makes me  very very sad. Doing what’s scheduled for me and not scheduling myself saddens me. Not exercising saddens me. Not reading saddens me. Not writing saddens me. Not creating videos saddens me. Not praying on time saddens me. Not watching videos saddens me ( No, I don’t mean pointless social media videos). Not having a plan for my day saddens me. Not eating as well I can saddens me. Not seeing a sunrise for a long time saddens me.

Then I spoke to a lot of people and apparently I’m not alone. I ask, ” so what do you have planned out?” And I usually get replies like:

  1. just working (not really since we’re talking but let’s let it slide)
  2. just chilling
  3. just hanging out ( the ceiling?)
  4. busy with family
  5. watching tv
  6. playing with my phone
  7. nothing much

I’m not saying that those of the above things to be doing is bad or depressing. All I’m saying is that most people let themselves go and that troubles them. It troubles me when I don’t have any plans, goals or self made schedule. When all I do is work work work sleep repeat, constantly being on my phone, constantly making up plans in my head and not putting anything down on ink to schedule, not thinking anything new for myself, or creating is what really depresses me.

When we give in to social media, tv and soulless work is when we start to lose who we are and become part of the herd. Or the part of the braindead society.

I don’t what to lose you by saying so much and being repetitive. I will write a follow up post on what gets me out of depression and why maybe you should try it because we are so much a like you and I. You know. Human.

Destined for greatness or at least think we are. Maybe we should act like it every once in a while till its scheduled for life.


Question part 2

He asked me why? And I answered. But why? I just don’t get it.

Somethings we’re just not suppose to get it. We just do it I replied.

It got me thinking late about his questions. They were very good questions. Hard ones, the ones that leave you wondering about your whole purpose.  I wandered in the car that day thinking of nothing but the questions that were asked. But one question stood out. A very easy question that we all had a right to know, since we were all doing it.

What is the meaning of life? That was the question. Easy. Right?!

He was depressed and was looking for answers. He needed something to hold on to.  Life is….I paused. He looked at with teary puppy eyes. A lot of hope were in those eyes. How could I have not answered him.

Life means doing good. Life means purpose. Life means living for tomorrow. Life means surrounding yourself with so much good that you can’t be touched by much bad. Life means to enjoy every moment of every day and every good thing that you have in your life. Life is surrender. Like means worshipping.Life means battle. Life means survive for an even better life. Life is fighting for what’s right. Life is letting go of what doesn’t grow anymore. Life is fear and standing in the face of it. Life is pain. Life is adventure. Life is experience. Life is art and life is creation.

I just kept going and going, I was on a roll. I wanted to give him reason to believe that life is a lot more than what he’s going through. I didn’t want to sound over positively so I added in a little pain to let him know that pain is part of the process and that life is messy but it’s all about how we perceive it and that life comes in many forms. Love, pain, confusion etc.

When I look back at what I told him, I’m proud of how I phrased it all and I he made it out of the that depressed phase he was in. For a while at least.I hope someday when he is feeling down again and life took has become pain again, he can look back at this and realize that there’s so much more to life than pain and it’s all a part of the process.

At least that’s my understanding of life. There are tons of books out there with what life really means but I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve manifested.

To life *Raises half peeled banana*

The stalker I wasn’t

I was the one who’d walk in Universal city alone. It’s called Universal city because it’s a very universal place. People from all over the universe come to walk there. I was seen with some people but not a lot and was always finding something new to do on social media.

I later got a message saying this, :I . That is what they call a neutral smiley. I replied back saying Hi? . Then got nothing back. Told her I missed her and it’s been a while.  I asked “are you okay?” She replied a day later saying “LOL”. It was a Friday night. and she asked me why was I texting her on a Friday night, lonely much? She must have been confused about who text who. I said that I replied to her message and that’s why I’m texting. She then told me that my loneliness has turned me into stalker and I should stop stalking her. That was the end of the conversation.

I began wondering why would anyone in their right minds say such a thing? I did put in the probability that she wasn’t all there. But what if she was all there? Was it maybe because I walked a lot at Universal city alone?  Or it was because  it is a Universal place and I shouldn’t have been there alone? Maybe I wasn’t all there.

Then I deviated away from the stalker part and thought about how lonely people can be interpreted. Not just as a stalker but many sort of things as well. Weird, lonely ( which has become a modern day curse word) , loser, freak, loner?! 

We nowadays have become terrified of being alone not just because it’s scary but because of the way its perceived . Its looked upon as wrong, bad and very antisocial. It’s why many are depressed, stressed and in extreme cases suicidal. We don’t know how to be alone and that can be a dangerous thing.

Here are 7 things I do when I’m alone to keep from not being a stalker :

  1. Turn off all social media. When I’m alone being on social media is like calling depression my way. It’s just bad. When we’re alone and we see people supposedly living such brilliant, amazing shiny lives. How would that make me feel? I start wanting to visit countries, be places with people, marry celebrities and own a mansion. Staying away from social media is something I do for the sake of sanity. Phones all turned off and signed out of everywhere. Its toxic I tell you
  2. Write. Or type, I’m a horrible writer, I have really bad hand writing and when I start writing and look at my handwriting, it just discourages me and I stop. So I type instead. Type about what I’m feeling, things I want to do, make plans. Just open up an empty canvas and type. I guess that makes me a typist.
  3. Read. I read up on about how to be lonely better. I read interesting stories. What I always suggest to my students is to find something they’re passionate about and read up on about it. There’s no such thing as I don’t like reading. We all have an interest that we would LOVE to read about. Cars, football, games, self help ( don’t know why its called self help if the book is one that’ll be helping you. How about help book? ) . Maybe pick up a magazine, search blogs, just try it. Or ask a friend to lend you a book, sometimes helps in starting you off with reading.
  4. Call my best friend. Whenever I’m bored or have nothing to do, I end up calling my best friend and we just talk and talk and talk. It’s amazing what wonders friends can do. And if you’re really lonely and don’t have a best friend or your best friend isn’t much of a talker then don’t do this point. Or shoot me an email.
  5. Ponder. It’s nice to have some quiet time to myself, where I just wonder about the future, think of tomorrow and it’s amazing benefits. Or just sit in silent and see what ideas come up. If anything is great, I write them down so I can write about them or talk about them even.
  6. Walk. Walking is always a great thing to do when I’m alone. Especially when the weather is good. You just can’t beat a good old walk.
  7. Movies. If I have something good to watch a movie works like a charm on me. I put it on and it’s just me and the movie. Or even better, I go to the movies, get a large popcorn just for ME and enjoy. Why do people even go the movies together when you can’t even talk. Some people won’t even go the movies alone? Really? You want someone you know sitting beside you? Lone-a-phobic much?

And those are the main things that I do to not stalk my fellow social media people.

Now I really want to go to Universal city.

city walk

How they digged their own graves

There he was. Smoking his way to the grave. A pretty good way to go if, if you ask me. If you enjoy it. Until you’re almost at the grave and then you really don’t wanna go. It’s not that you just don’t want to go anymore, cause who does? It’s what happens to you before you go. He was detoriating slowly. Deteriorate here means die slowly and painfully without you having any control over it and no amount of painkillers can stop it, but maybe deteriorate it even more ( make it slower ) which is bad news really. You’re just staying alive to be punished. Maybe that will make it easier after you’ve died already.

I asked him after his second diagnosis of confirmed cancer if it was from all the smoking, but he was quick to reply “NO”. I’ve been smoking all my life, can’t be it. If it was, it would have killed me a long time ago. But his premature aging and wrinkly cheeks were signs that this was coming sooner or later. Bless him.

This other guy I knew was convinced that he’s healthy and that his oversized gut was genetic and that it runs in the family. After a stroke he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol ( heart disease) and high blood pressure. He was later served the same food he always ate and refused to make any dietary changes or take medication because he was healthy and the stroke was just an incident that had occurred and was unavoidable. The next stroke he had numbed half his face leaving him partially blind and they had to amputate one of his legs due to poor blood circulation. He wished the stroke took him all the way to the grave instead of the emergency room.

What did these 2 stubborn but loving men ( to their families ) have in common ?

Well for one they became a damn burden to their loved ones and society as  a whole. They were living on the concept that if we have all done this for a long time then it’s perfectly fine. Their loved ones now had to take special care of them.

I like how the word “special” can mean the exact opposite depending on context. You’re a special boy, can mean you are mentally retarded ( literally and/or figuratively) and it can mean you’re wonderful ( Extraordinary). Their kind of “special” treatment led to others being handicapped by serving them in “special ways” no one had the pleasure of doing.

What does this teach me though?

It teaches me to look past culture and society. It teaches me that cultural habits can be very damaging if done long enough and it can damage myself and others around me in the long run. It teaches me that to deteriorate through cultural habits is bad. It teaches me to have an open mind when someone tries to teach me or even tell me something new and not be dogmatic about it. It teaches me also to be bare the pain of seeing dogmatic and stubborn loved ones dig a hole while I can’t do a single thing about it. That’s always the hardest part.

Good news for the diabetic dude though. The next stroke took him. Not sure if it was good or bad news for his loved ones. Maybe a little bit of both. A sort of a mixed feeling.
God rest their souls, and ours too while I’m at prayer mode.Amen.

How to be pure

He was staring at me non stop. It was probably my man bun. I was looked at in weird ways by abusers, liars, hypocrites, cheaters with a few thieves thrown in. But they were better people than I was. They were the chosen ones, all hand picked by God himself. Anyone to forfend by what they believed was wrong, were WRONG. There was no messing with those people.

I was covered in shame, trying to hide my face using my hair. Since they weren’t pleased by the man bun, I untied it and let my shoulder length hair cover my face so I could hide behind it. I took a peek through the layers and they weren’t happy at all. It felt like they were casting me out of heaven forever. I left there with hate and promising to grow my hair even longer. I have now become stubbornly hateful because I was jealous of those who had the key to heaven. Since I was out anyways I was gonna be bad to the bone.

After watching Terminator 2 for some motivation on being bad to the bone I got even more upset because the bad guy was liquid metal and there was no way in hell I could be like that. Great, now hell too.

I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realized that I wasn’t casted our of heaven yet. I am not dead yet. I have time to redeem myself and have a clean bun instead of a messy one.I figured I’d start there. I felt better about myself. I went in to work lifting my bun with pride. It was all neatly tucked in and I was getting less dirty look and more clean looks.

I then saw someone walk in with an undercut. How dare he walk in here looking like that?!!! Where does he think he is? This is the middle east. Then walked in a women with a pierced lip. HOW DOUBLE DARE YOU? You both ought to DOUBLE DATE. I then remembered how I was casted out of heaven with mere judgmental looks. I stopped casting them out and smiled at them. They looked at me weirdly. I smiled even more hoping they could the read the smile, which read ” It’s okay, I understand. I know what you go through sometimes. And I’m not casting you out of heaven, don’t worry.” They walked out and we lost 2 potential clients. But at least they walked out knowing I was with them.

I made another decision , to never try and cast anyone out of heaven again or give them judgmental looks. We are all going through our own journey and kindness always wins. I was gentle with myself and It worked. The gentler I became with people, the more they accepted me and I them. I formed a bond with myself and a pact to never judge anyone based on appearance, race, color or food choices ( I’m working on this one ) .

And how did I get my self out of hell after being casted out of heaven?! It was one good decision. And I think that’s something I ought to work on more often. Making better decisions. 

I have rid myself out of the purist mentality a long time ago and have met and made more friends with people from all walks of life. Some who didn’t even walk much. And I’ve accepted them in my heart. It all started with a better decision. So the next time I make a move, I’ll think of the better decision and take that one step forward. We will always be on a high horse and look down at other, the purer we are. Lets rid ourselves of purity. It’s non existent. Making a better decision exists and the next good decision will be to post this.



My first step to self love

She told me she would stay with me forever. I believed her. I took advantage of that and thought she wont go anywhere. She left me 3 months later for someone who showed her he cared by buying her a handbag. A handbag I couldn’t afford.

I was miserable and alone. I needed the companion of a female friend and 3 male friends. It was just easier having male friends so I always needed 3 as a minimum. I accomplished the male friends part and now needed the female part to be a complete person again.

I then found someone who told me would stay with me forever. She was there but never present. The oddest thing was I began to feel even lonelier. I got paranoid about where she would be. Where was my soul mate? Why wasn’t I getting text messages, pictures, constant updates about her whereabouts. Why? I was gladly telling her every move I was making, every bite I was taking, and then sent her a flirt song which was a Youtube link to “Every breath you take” by Police. Sting was only thing on my mind at the time.

After being neglected by my soulmate, my friends slowly began to creep away due to me talking all and only about how my soulmate isn’t behaving like the person she should be. I was left with one friend who I could to talk about this only, and he told me “maybe she’s acting like that because she really isn’t the one you’re suppose to spend the rest of your life with..maybe?”. I stopped talking to him as well. I could not stand the negativity.

I was alone again with my thoughts. Paranoid, depressed and alone. A pretty scary combo. I began reading up on soul mates, love and what’s required or how it should be. I may have understood all of this the wrong way if it was going to keep getting me depressed. It turns out that the other person should be as excited as me. And that the reason she may have stopped talking to me was because I was too clingy, insecure, and was acting like a lost puppy. And the reasons my male friends were avoided me was because she was all I would talk about.

I then dwelled in my own sadness, depression and solitude. I cried some, slept some, ate some. Then decided to make a big decision and tell her “it’s over”. Even though it felt like it was already over. It just needed to be said. I read articles, watched Youtube videos to inspire me to break up. When I did, I cried some more but this time it was tears in the inside, I’m usually very dry when it comes to real tears. I started to feel better. I was beginning to feel “whole”. With time I was becoming a person of my own. I got out of the sad bubble and started seeing people again, walked, exercised and did things I remembered I loved. 3 months of that and I enjoyed my company. I loved me.

MY first steps to self love, were to dwell in sadness, cry on the inside, be comfortable with that and then look beyond all that and start living a little more.I hope this post goes out there and helps a person in solitude. A person who is new in a country maybe, a person who’s suffering a ridiculous and abusive relationship ( remember the rule: THEY SHOULD BE EXCITED AS YOU ARE TO BE WITH YOU ), someone having a hard time making friends or someone feeling a little lost in this fast paced world we live in.

It’s okay. It’s fine. You’re okay. Be sad, it’s normal, be alone, and then love yourself. Do things you loved as a teenager/child, find new hobbies, read about something that may get you excited, learn a new language, get in touch with an old friend or worse case scenario contact me and I may or may not be happy to help, if not then just find someone worthy of your time. Someone who’s excited to talk to you. We have so many options available now, that’s its easy to get lost in at all. Find one or two things that may excite you and just do it already you loner.