I’m afraid a lot

I’m driving down the road and I’m afraid.

I go to work and I’m afraid

I go to meet a new person and I’m afraid.

I’m always a little scared.

Never of life. Well, rarely at least. I’m mainly afraid of myself.

I’m afraid of the harm I could do. Of someone’s feeling I may hurt, am I over stepping anyone, am I cheating my way through life with methods such as lies, deceit, and indirect bribery. Those things haunt me and sometimes even keep me up at night.

I want to be better. I want to be at service. I want to like everyone and be liked by everyone in return. It’s hard. But everyday I work at it. I start my day with gratitude and always think how I’d like to be treated and treat others in return.

I’m not afraid of risks, or afraid of what people say, think and react. Most of the time at least. If you know me or have been following me you’ll  know that I’m pretty fearless and live my life pretty close to the edge.

After having 2 kids I thought my life was over as I knew it. But I started taking greater risks. It’s scary but it is paying off. I feel like now more than ever, I need to do what I think is right. What my gut thinks is right. What my heart thinks is right. What kind of role model would I be to my kids if I didn’t?  Or to my wife?

I want to raise the bar. It’s scary. I need to do it with caution. A year ago, this post would be super scary. But now. I have raised the bar. I need to constantly keep doing this. You need to too.

I need you to be afraid, then I need you to do it. But with caution. We all need you more than ever now. Follow your heart and gut. Don’t you dare correct it after you’ve heard it the first time.

As a teacher I always find that the students get the correct answer the first time in the exam and as soon as they revise it, they rub it off and choose the wrong answer. Now I always tell my class, please answer it once and leave it. You’re heart knows best. Your gut knows best. You know best the first time. It’s when you over analyze what your insides are trying to tell you and try to navigate away, it fails you as well.

One shot. One life. Just once.

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I really need to go to the bathroom

It is now 7:59 am.

The baby’s asleep and I really need to go to the bathroom. But I have multiple things stoping me.

  1. The noise I may make that’ll wake the baby up
  2. The comfort of my bed
  3. My train of thought may be interrupted

Looks like I won’t be getting up for a while so I might as well continue writing.

This feels a bit foreign but I won’t make it stop me from writing. Here’s the thing with taking a break from something you love and want to improve on. You suck at it again for a while. And I mean everything. Everything from sports to writing. Ask any consistent runner how their run feels after coming back from a 2 week vacation. Horrible!

So this is me sucking at writing. I don’t even know if I was ever any good. Ok, I was kind of good.
But I’m giving myself permission to suck. Permission to try. Permission to take that step and permission to express.

What are two things that hold us back? The two main things that hold us back from being better versions of ourselves.

1.FEAR: I wanted to learn how to skateboard a while ago, but was reluctant due to it being dangerous and the weather and and and and ….A little fear kicked in. I also wanted to travel all over the gulf and make a video about it. That’s not a scary thought but it’s scary spending all of that money at times like these.

2. LAZINESS: After I overcame my fear of learning how to skateboard I never bothered looking into buying one. I mean I did ask a friend about where I could buy one but that was about it. I didn’t follow up. I got lazy. I faced my fear but did nothing about it.
I later figured I’d ask companies to pay me to travel and in return I’ll make them an ad. I overcame that fear. One company I approached liked the idea. It just needed 2-3 other videos from me until they could “ok” that one. I beat that fear and still didn’t work on any video for them yet.

Today morning after doing some reading I began to think about my life and how fortunate I am to be alive and living in this part of the world, surrounded with people I love and living a comfortable lifestyle. I then beat laziness. I beat fear as well. Opened this page, said to myself ” Hady, you are going to suck at this post. So do it now and suck less the second time.

Now I really have to go to the bathroom.

bathroom