How I learnt to need human beings less and make friends with freaks like myself.

It’s 4am and the sun’s coming out. It’s a Friday morning and I have been sleepless for a couple of days now, apart from the power naps I take while I’m in the office or doing something important. Why don’t we ever fall asleep that fast when we’re at home, tired and exhausted ? Probably cause I had the latest iMac and was too excited to sleep, even though id regret it in the morning.

I’d wake up drained and as the English say it “Knackered “. I’d wake up feeling very needy and would crave some attention from other fellow humans. I’d make up scenarios in my head and fantasize about how good friends/buddies we are.

I’d constantly call people and would like to do something, I needed the attention, I had so much to say, so much to give but I couldn’t get any sleep. I was constantly depressed. I saw a therapist and asked for a solution. She told me to love myself and get to know me!

I thought I knew who I was, I just needed to share it with someone, the therapist refused I call after working hours, unless I was willing to pay a certain fee. I couldn’t afford it, so I was back to square 1. Why can’t I sleep, make lots of friends and influence loads of people ?”

So I started a daily practice, and slowly did things that helped me be a better person to myself and be less of a drain to others. I started asking myself “what do you want?”  I need people to like me “why?” . There lied the answer! Why would anyone like me?  What do I have to provide? Friendship isn’t enough! How about money with that? When I finally decided to pay my therapist to call after working hours, that was also refused. So I guess money is out of the equation too.

I began to learn new skills, read a few pages every night and found passion in sports. After, a while I enjoyed being with myself. I slept!!! I slept, oh man did I sleep! I no longer needed anyones attention, I shared the knowledge I learnt and that was enough, and then I finally knew how to choose my friends.  Here’s what I learnt:

  1. You have to give to take back : I was always such a drag and had nothing valuable to give sometimes, add that to lack of sleep and I could be a very unpleasant person to be around.
  2. Trust human beings: trusting that others will love you for who you are, letting everything else go. I just had to trust that my friends would want to hang out with me again, so I learnt to be patient by doing things I’m passionate about ALONE.
  3. Believe in yourself: “If you won’t then who will?” Just kidding, that a cheesy motivational meme I read. Believe that you possess the skills to keep yourself happy ( at least for a while ) and believe that you have the power to do amazing things while in solitude, just with a little focus and sleep.
  4. Choose wisely: if you’re circle of friends aren’t fueling you with passion, humor and acceptance, then its time to get out of the bubble and maybe draw a square to get into, and invite only those who are worthy of your weirdness.

I’m sleepy now, the lights are dim and I don’t want to need you more than you need me. It says that you’re on 33%, but I’m on 18%. Sorry laptop, but I can’t give you 33% This is a give and take.