How to be pure

He was staring at me non stop. It was probably my man bun. I was looked at in weird ways by abusers, liars, hypocrites, cheaters with a few thieves thrown in. But they were better people than I was. They were the chosen ones, all hand picked by God himself. Anyone to forfend by what they believed was wrong, were WRONG. There was no messing with those people.

I was covered in shame, trying to hide my face using my hair. Since they weren’t pleased by the man bun, I untied it and let my shoulder length hair cover my face so I could hide behind it. I took a peek through the layers and they weren’t happy at all. It felt like they were casting me out of heaven forever. I left there with hate and promising to grow my hair even longer. I have now become stubbornly hateful because I was jealous of those who had the key to heaven. Since I was out anyways I was gonna be bad to the bone.

After watching Terminator 2 for some motivation on being bad to the bone I got even more upset because the bad guy was liquid metal and there was no way in hell I could be like that. Great, now hell too.

I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realized that I wasn’t casted our of heaven yet. I am not dead yet. I have time to redeem myself and have a clean bun instead of a messy one.I figured I’d start there. I felt better about myself. I went in to work lifting my bun with pride. It was all neatly tucked in and I was getting less dirty look and more clean looks.

I then saw someone walk in with an undercut. How dare he walk in here looking like that?!!! Where does he think he is? This is the middle east. Then walked in a women with a pierced lip. HOW DOUBLE DARE YOU? You both ought to DOUBLE DATE. I then remembered how I was casted out of heaven with mere judgmental looks. I stopped casting them out and smiled at them. They looked at me weirdly. I smiled even more hoping they could the read the smile, which read ” It’s okay, I understand. I know what you go through sometimes. And I’m not casting you out of heaven, don’t worry.” They walked out and we lost 2 potential clients. But at least they walked out knowing I was with them.

I made another decision , to never try and cast anyone out of heaven again or give them judgmental looks. We are all going through our own journey and kindness always wins. I was gentle with myself and It worked. The gentler I became with people, the more they accepted me and I them. I formed a bond with myself and a pact to never judge anyone based on appearance, race, color or food choices ( I’m working on this one ) .

And how did I get my self out of hell after being casted out of heaven?! It was one good decision. And I think that’s something I ought to work on more often. Making better decisions. 

I have rid myself out of the purist mentality a long time ago and have met and made more friends with people from all walks of life. Some who didn’t even walk much. And I’ve accepted them in my heart. It all started with a better decision. So the next time I make a move, I’ll think of the better decision and take that one step forward. We will always be on a high horse and look down at other, the purer we are. Lets rid ourselves of purity. It’s non existent. Making a better decision exists and the next good decision will be to post this.



My first step to self love

She told me she would stay with me forever. I believed her. I took advantage of that and thought she wont go anywhere. She left me 3 months later for someone who showed her he cared by buying her a handbag. A handbag I couldn’t afford.

I was miserable and alone. I needed the companion of a female friend and 3 male friends. It was just easier having male friends so I always needed 3 as a minimum. I accomplished the male friends part and now needed the female part to be a complete person again.

I then found someone who told me would stay with me forever. She was there but never present. The oddest thing was I began to feel even lonelier. I got paranoid about where she would be. Where was my soul mate? Why wasn’t I getting text messages, pictures, constant updates about her whereabouts. Why? I was gladly telling her every move I was making, every bite I was taking, and then sent her a flirt song which was a Youtube link to “Every breath you take” by Police. Sting was only thing on my mind at the time.

After being neglected by my soulmate, my friends slowly began to creep away due to me talking all and only about how my soulmate isn’t behaving like the person she should be. I was left with one friend who I could to talk about this only, and he told me “maybe she’s acting like that because she really isn’t the one you’re suppose to spend the rest of your life with..maybe?”. I stopped talking to him as well. I could not stand the negativity.

I was alone again with my thoughts. Paranoid, depressed and alone. A pretty scary combo. I began reading up on soul mates, love and what’s required or how it should be. I may have understood all of this the wrong way if it was going to keep getting me depressed. It turns out that the other person should be as excited as me. And that the reason she may have stopped talking to me was because I was too clingy, insecure, and was acting like a lost puppy. And the reasons my male friends were avoided me was because she was all I would talk about.

I then dwelled in my own sadness, depression and solitude. I cried some, slept some, ate some. Then decided to make a big decision and tell her “it’s over”. Even though it felt like it was already over. It just needed to be said. I read articles, watched Youtube videos to inspire me to break up. When I did, I cried some more but this time it was tears in the inside, I’m usually very dry when it comes to real tears. I started to feel better. I was beginning to feel “whole”. With time I was becoming a person of my own. I got out of the sad bubble and started seeing people again, walked, exercised and did things I remembered I loved. 3 months of that and I enjoyed my company. I loved me.

MY first steps to self love, were to dwell in sadness, cry on the inside, be comfortable with that and then look beyond all that and start living a little more.I hope this post goes out there and helps a person in solitude. A person who is new in a country maybe, a person who’s suffering a ridiculous and abusive relationship ( remember the rule: THEY SHOULD BE EXCITED AS YOU ARE TO BE WITH YOU ), someone having a hard time making friends or someone feeling a little lost in this fast paced world we live in.

It’s okay. It’s fine. You’re okay. Be sad, it’s normal, be alone, and then love yourself. Do things you loved as a teenager/child, find new hobbies, read about something that may get you excited, learn a new language, get in touch with an old friend or worse case scenario contact me and I may or may not be happy to help, if not then just find someone worthy of your time. Someone who’s excited to talk to you. We have so many options available now, that’s its easy to get lost in at all. Find one or two things that may excite you and just do it already you loner.

Do you have this sleeping problem as well?

I woke up at 6am and started my day. Drank water, exercised, prayed, read, and went to work. I left the house and it was absolutely hot, I hated myself. The sun was bothering me, the cars were getting too close to me and the traffic lights seemed to be making a practical joke out of me.

I slept at 12 am and woke up at 6 am. Pretty good right? Every time I get 5-6 hours of sleep, I end up making the worse decisions and get annoyed at uncontrollable things like the sun. I don’t function with coffee and/or tea, that’s not the way I roll. If I did have any then I’d be anxiously annoyed at all of the above. I also realize that I don’t handle conflicts well when I don’t get enough sleep. For instance, a student asks me a question in class and I get annoyed. Why are you going off-topic? I also become a little melodramatic, If I hear two people in the teacher’s room whisper I feel like shouting at loud “You’re talking about me aren’t you?, Just admit it. Aren’t you? Huh?”

Today I had 9 hours of sleep and I left home and stared at the sun for a couple of seconds, and smiled. The traffic jam seemed enjoyable and I used the time to calmly listen to podcasts. The traffic lights opened up its arms to me and said ” You have smiled upon us and for that, we give you the green lights”. I go to work and look at paper work and say “that’s it”.

I think most if not 99% of society is under slept due to distractions or in my case because when I come back from work at 9:15 pm I don’t feel like going right to bed. I wanna have a conversation,I wanna read and maybe also write a little. So I end up doing a little of all 3 and hate myself in the process. But last night I slept at 10 and woke and did a little of all 3 and loved myself for it and it’s just 10 am. I can even nap a little too.

I end this with a quote: ” Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you need less sleep, if they do, then walk away and never look back”