The funeral

A few days ago I attended a funeral. I assisted in burying a man.

I assisted in carrying but not in burying truth be told. As I saw people bury the body everything in my head was in slow motion. The dust, the wrapped body, the faces, some sad and some expressionless. For a split second I felt more alive than ever. I was standing above ground. Above the dirt. I had a shot. Just one more shot to redeem myself.

I more shot to smile, feel and do. My ideal funeral is one where I’m being buried and everyone is high fiving each other, laughing, smiling and talking about how great I made them feel and how fully I lived. Usually when people are like that the harder the cries. But I’d prefer smiles and laughs. Pretty silly.

I want to attend more funerals now. They are a great reminder of how short life can be.

 

Advertisements

How to escape life?

“Put a gun to your head” 

But guns aren’t easy to find at this part of the world and for that I’m blessed. 

Serious talk now. I don’t have a perfect life. If I did, I’d be a character in a movie or book. So at times I want a gun in my hand. Not to shoot myself but to just experience firearms. Heck, I’d better move back to America ūüėČ

So when no gun is handed to me I find other ways to escape the rat race. The first one I’m already doing it without you even realizing it suckers!!

  • Read the above paragraph and if you don’t figure it out then I’m truly sorry 
  • Lying down and stare at the ceiling while breathing heavily. That can either stress you out, give you a panic attack or calm you down like a dose of xanax. 
  • Close my eyes and realize there’s nothing there. Do it now. Close your eyes and block everything out. The bad part is opening them to know you never left. I’m just delaying my fate. 
  • Put on a helmet and get on my mountain bike. This is the best one for me, because not only do I escape but I come a better and clearer man.
  • Hug loved ones. These always make me feel warm inside for a limited time. It’s beautiful while it lasts. 
  • I have this one friend who really makes me laugh. Every time we hang I just don’t think about life at all. We just sit back and basically laugh at the lamest things. It’s phenomenal.

  • Go to a play ( I went to one today and I definitely escaped life, I also felt like a lot of the characters were escaping their own life because they were so immersed in their roles ) or watch a really good movie with characters that rock your world. Or read a whole book in one sitting. I did it once while traveling, it was a wonderful escape into a beautiful mind. Entering other people’s worlds are also an escape of it’s own. 

At the end of the day I’ve won the lottery on life. As sad as I am I know I can be, it’s really not justifiable, or is it? I don’t know. Do I have the right to want to escape? To learn how to use firearms? I don’t know. 

All I know is as I get older, things get a little more complicated and I get better at problem solving, it’s a never ending cycle. I just hope that the ratio eventually changes to my favor 

I’m afraid a lot

I’m driving down the road and I’m afraid.

I go to work and I’m afraid

I go to meet a new person and I’m afraid.

I’m always a little scared.

Never of life. Well, rarely at least. I’m mainly afraid of myself.

I’m afraid of the harm I could do. Of someone’s feeling I may hurt, am I over stepping anyone, am I cheating my way through life with methods such as lies, deceit, and indirect bribery. Those things haunt me and sometimes even keep me up at night.

I want to be better. I want to be at service. I want to like everyone and be liked by everyone in return. It’s hard. But everyday I work at it. I start my day with gratitude and always think how I’d like to be treated and treat others in return.

I’m not afraid of risks, or afraid of what people say, think and react. Most of the time at least. If you know me or have been following me you’ll ¬†know that I’m pretty fearless and live my life pretty close to the edge.

After having 2 kids I thought my life was over as I knew it. But I started taking greater risks. It’s scary but it is paying off. I feel like now more than ever, I need to do what I think is right. What my gut thinks is right. What my heart thinks is right. What kind of role model would I be to my kids if I didn’t? ¬†Or to my wife?

I want to raise the bar. It’s scary. I need to do it with caution. A year ago, this post would be super scary. But now. I have raised the bar. I need to constantly keep doing this. You need to too.

I need you to be afraid, then I need you to do it. But with caution. We all need you more than ever now. Follow your heart and gut. Don’t you dare correct it after you’ve heard it the first time.

As a teacher I always find that the students get the correct answer the first time in the exam and as soon as they revise it, they rub it off and choose the wrong answer. Now I always tell my class, please answer it once and leave it. You’re heart knows best. Your gut knows best. You know best the first time. It’s when you over analyze what your insides are trying to tell you and try to navigate away, it fails you as well.

One shot. One life. Just once.

Question part 3

We all thought that Haddaway solved the million dollar question. We were all shaking our heads to it after all.

What is love?
Baby don’t hurt me
Don’t hurt me
No more

But no.

He only said it how he saw it. But that song was very popular not only because we saw Will ferell shaking his head to it but because it was good music that was super relatable. Love is pain right?

I asked someone very dear to me, what is love? They said you are love. As flattering as the answer was, I don’t think I’m completely pain. So what am I then? Am I pain, pleasure and a little bit of awkwardness thrown in the middle?

Some say that Love is indescribable and there have been amazing love stories out there and songs. We all know John Lennon when it comes to love. Ah yes! All you need is love la la la la …All you need is love, love, love love is all you need. This is the same guy who¬†beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day. There you go ladies and gentlemen John Lennon has defined love for us.

All you need is Love is just too easy because Love wont put food on the table, love won’t helps us stay committed. Saying all we need is love is pure lazy. I’m getting off topic here. We still don’t know what love is.

Is it Romeo and Juliet where if my wife happens to poison herself I follow. Or is it Gandi’s love for his country that made him starve himself till they all listened to him. Some even go as far to say that Love is a choice and we have a say in whether we fall in love or not. Contrary to popular belief where you don’t choose who you fall in love with.

So what the heck is going on here and who do we listen to? It all seems to extreme but our society idealizes love and the problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place.

It’s a very very hard question where many great people have taken the liberty of answering this question¬†where we all supposedly know what it is.

There is no one answer for what is Love. This question like my other questions here and here is very subjective. Love comes in all forms, shapes and sizes too. There’s that popular but shaped heart, and then theres the real heart that looks pretty messed up. It comes with pipes around it and stuff. Nasty stuff. But there’s a lot of love in there to give.

Love meaning care. Meaning understanding at the hardest of times. Meaning let downs and forgiving. Love is responsibility. Love can be blindsided by lust, fame, money and other interests that come in handy for each individual.

What is love to you ?

Question part 2

He asked me why? And I answered. But why? I just don’t get it.

Somethings we’re just not suppose to get it. We just do it I replied.

It got me thinking late about his questions. They were very good questions. Hard ones, the ones that leave you wondering about your whole purpose.  I wandered in the car that day thinking of nothing but the questions that were asked. But one question stood out. A very easy question that we all had a right to know, since we were all doing it.

What is the meaning of life? That was the question. Easy. Right?!

He was depressed and was looking for answers. He needed something to hold on to. ¬†Life is….I paused. He looked at with teary puppy eyes. A lot of hope were in those eyes. How could I have not answered him.

Life means doing good. Life means purpose. Life means living for tomorrow. Life means surrounding yourself with so much good that you can’t be touched by much bad. Life means to enjoy every moment of every day and every good thing that you have in your life. Life is surrender. Like means worshipping.Life means battle. Life means survive for an even better life. Life is fighting for what’s right. Life is letting go of what doesn’t grow anymore. Life is fear and standing in the face of it. Life is pain. Life is adventure. Life is experience. Life is art and life is creation.

I just kept going and going, I was on a roll. I wanted to give him reason to believe that life is a lot more than what he’s going through. I didn’t want to sound over positively so I added in a little pain to let him know that pain is part of the process and that life is messy but it’s all about how we perceive it and that life comes in many forms. Love, pain, confusion etc.

When I look back at what I told him, I’m proud of how I phrased it all and I he made it out of the that depressed phase he was in. For a while at least.I hope someday when he is feeling down again and life took has become pain again, he can look back at this and realize that there’s so much more to life than pain and it’s all a part of the process.

At least that’s my understanding of life. There are tons of books out there with what life really means but I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve manifested.

To life *Raises half peeled banana*

The stalker I wasn’t

I was the one who’d walk in Universal city alone. It’s called Universal city because it’s a very universal place. People from all over the universe come to walk there. I was seen with some people but not a lot and was always finding something new to do on social media.

I later got a message saying this, :I . That is what they call a neutral smiley. I replied back saying Hi? . Then got nothing back. Told her I missed her and it’s been a while.  I asked “are you okay?” She replied a day later saying “LOL”. It was a Friday night. and she asked me why was I texting her on a Friday night, lonely much? She must have been confused about who text who. I said that I replied to her message and that’s why I’m texting. She then told me that my loneliness has turned me into stalker and I should stop stalking her. That was the end of the conversation.

I began wondering why would anyone in their right minds say such a thing? I did put in the probability that she wasn’t all there. But what if she was all there? Was it maybe because I walked a lot at Universal city alone?  Or it was because  it is a Universal place and I shouldn’t have been there alone? Maybe I wasn’t all there.

Then I deviated away from the stalker part and thought about how lonely people can be interpreted. Not just as a stalker but many sort of things as well. Weird, lonely ( which has become a modern day curse word) , loser, freak, loner?! 

We nowadays have become terrified of being alone not just because it’s scary but because of the way its perceived . Its looked upon as wrong, bad and very antisocial. It’s why many are depressed, stressed and in extreme cases suicidal. We don’t know how to be alone and that can be a dangerous thing.

Here are 7 things I do when I’m alone to keep from not being a stalker :

  1. Turn off all social media. When I’m alone being on social media is like calling depression my way. It’s just bad. When we’re alone and we see people supposedly living such brilliant, amazing shiny lives. How would that make me feel? I start wanting to visit countries, be places with people, marry celebrities and own a mansion. Staying away from social media is something I do for the sake of sanity. Phones all turned off and signed out of everywhere. Its toxic I tell you
  2. Write. Or type, I’m a horrible writer, I have really bad hand writing and when I start writing and look at my handwriting, it just discourages me and I stop. So I type instead. Type about what I’m feeling, things I want to do, make plans. Just open up an empty canvas and type. I guess that makes me a typist.
  3. Read. I read up on about how to be lonely better. I read interesting stories. What I always suggest to my students is to find something they’re passionate about and read up on about it. There’s no such thing as I don’t like reading. We all have an interest that we would LOVE to read about. Cars, football, games, self help ( don’t know why its called self help if the book is one that’ll be helping you. How about help book? ) . Maybe pick up a magazine, search blogs, just try it. Or ask a friend to lend you a book, sometimes helps in starting you off with reading.
  4. Call my best friend. Whenever I’m bored or have nothing to do, I end up calling my best friend and we just talk and talk and talk. It’s amazing what wonders friends can do. And if you’re really lonely and don’t have a best friend or your best friend isn’t much of a talker then don’t do this point. Or shoot me an email.
  5. Ponder. It’s nice to have some quiet time to myself, where I just wonder about the future, think of tomorrow and it’s amazing benefits. Or just sit in silent and see what ideas come up. If anything is great, I write them down so I can write about them or talk about them even.
  6. Walk. Walking is always a great thing to do when I’m alone. Especially when the weather is good. You just can’t beat a good old walk.
  7. Movies. If I have something good to watch a movie works like a charm on me. I put it on and it’s just me and the movie. Or even better, I go to the movies, get a large popcorn just for ME and enjoy. Why do people even go the movies together when you can’t even talk. Some people won’t even go the movies alone? Really? You want someone you know sitting beside you? Lone-a-phobic much?

And those are the main things that I do to not stalk my fellow social media people.

Now I really want to go to Universal city.

city walk

what I do when I can’t produce well

There comes days when I don’t have it in me to write. It’s either to late and I’m not in the right state of mind to post anything with good structure, or I didn’t prepare anything mentally because its been such a fast paced day.

I still want to write though, but it will not be as good as my other structured posts. Funny enough its the unstructured ones that get the most views. Most of the times at least. So here’s what I do when I can’t think of anything good to write.

  1. I read blogs. Reading is what helps me become a better writer, so when I’m all dry. I start reading content that interest me or bloggers who I enjoy reading. My current top 2 bloggers are James Altucher’s ¬†blog and Mark manson’s as well. Those 2 are my go to when I’m just out of it.
  2. I read books. I pick up a book and just read through it. It must be a book I enjoy or else I’ll never read it. I like delving into other books and read into the writing style and get some new insight.
  3. Watch a movie/tv series. At times I’ll watch something of interest. I’m a sucker for good quality movies and tv shows. So when I can’t produce any content I go look at content and just immerse into that until the next best thing pops into my head.
  4. Talk to people. I’m lucky to have interesting people to talk to. That in itself is a very rare thing these days. I’m lucky I live with an intellectual human being and work with people that can simply mind boggle me. I love it.
  5. Sleep. When I’m all dry and have the attention spam of a fish, it’s maybe time to hit the sack and restore some more brain cells. I used to sleep 5-6 hours a day. Now I say 8-10 ¬†to be on your sharpest. You can absolutely feel the difference. Whoever tells you 5 hours is enough, please slowly back away from them, turn around, walk and don’t look back. Or look at what they have accomplished in life (usually tells you a lot) and are they living to their full potential.

When you find something you love. Surround yourself with it. Even If I can’t write, I look for ways to be better at it without actually writing. If you enjoy building legos then read books on that or watch videos of people playing with legos. If you’re into cooking, then surround yourself with chefs, people who enjoy cooking and watch some good cooking shows.

Surround yourself with what you’re passionate about and it will take care of itself, even when you’re not passionate about doing it everyday.

I’m now feeling the number 5 symptom.

 

It’s what you say

I was walking by the coffee shops¬†with a friend and we meet an old friend of mine. We greeted and caught up a little. All I remember from the conversation was that it ended by her telling me ” You’re not a very nice person”. The rest is all cloudy.

I tried to remember the conversation and trace what I could have said ¬†offensively. That was a problem, I didn’t know what I said until “You’re not a very nice person ” came out. Fortunately I had my friend with me to tell me what happened. He went over why she got upset and what I shouldn’t have said. I still wasn’t convinced that I was wrong. But Im sure glad he was there.

It’s not up to us to decide how we are sometimes. I have recently began owning how I am ( at least most of the time). Before when someone told me “You’re a prick”, ¬†I would say ” NO, I’m not”. Well it’s not up to me is it? It’s like me telling someone you have something on your face and they say “NO, I DON’T” . I’m owning it and will analyze ( again, a lot of the time but not always ) it to see how I got there.

We all see through different lenses and when a majority of the people tell you, that you’re behaving like a @##$, then maybe and just maybe they may be right. Who knows? Give it a minute and think about it. I want to be silent for a second or two now when someone asks me something. Take a deep breath, think about the question, then think about what I’ll answer, freak them out a little and then answer. I’m really working on it and it’s a work in progress.

I very very rarely mean to offend or hurt somebody. But I still do, its something that i’m living with but I always have the best intentions in mind. Some people are more sensitive than others, and others more tolerable. Nothing you can do about that. The right people will stay and the sensitive will have people with a higher tolerance level… Sorry, I mean patience and compassion. This was just an example of how my words go wrong.

It’s a work in progress. Are you working towards something too?